Originally Posted by
theruiner
I'm sorry you're going through that. :/
Yeah, I mean, I really don't want to think there's no hope. I've always been a pretty optimistic person (though my friends may not realize this because I do vent a lot, because my depression has been severe). As bad as things have been my entire life, I've always, ALWAYS told myself it can get better. And my life has just been completely destroyed and I'm just now picking up the pieces. But I've been going to regular therapy for two years now, my depression has been getting better (which took a lot of hard work), but the OCD is just completely out of control. It's actually affecting the way I feel about things- for a few minutes I'll be gung ho on something, my decision is made, I'm doing this. Ten minutes later I feel COMPLETELY the opposite- I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea, this is nuts, I 100% don't want to do this. Ten minutes later it's, wow, I TOTALLY want to do this, why did I ever not want to?
It isn't quite ten minutes apart, but you get the idea. My therapist thinks it's the OCD, I tend to agree. The thing is, OCD has never done that to me before. To be so completely set on an idea, to want to do something with every fiber of my being...and then not want to. And then wanting to. And then not wanting to. And when I feel one way or the other I really do feel it. So it makes it impossible to make big decisions. The biggest being whether or not to transition, which is HUGE. Huge. It has completely stopped any progress I was making. I'm just stuck with no idea what I want anymore. Neither direction sounds right, or sounds right for any sustained period of time. I can't tell you how horrible this feels.