Not great at all lately. I don't know what to call it but I'm doing the thing where I think about things on a very large scale a lot and shitting out thousands of words in word docs and iphone notes of how and why everything is awful and people are completely empty vapid hopeless hollow idiots and how I'm no better. Lots and lots of extremely depressive observations and feelings. Lots of anxiety around people and complete disinterest in doing anything but working. All I enjoy lately is working because it gives my brain something to do other than be itself. Even writing this all I can think is how pointless it is and how I'll just get told to flush more money down the toilet on meds that don't help me and therapists I can't afford who have never helped after two years of on and off treatment and debt.

Also lots and lots of fun with body dysmorphia again after having a brief period of thinking less about it, so hooray there. I couldn't hate my skin more and it feels like being trapped inside of a prison all day every day that is impossible to get out of. I hate my body and hate having one at all and can't think of a single thing that would keep me from being physically uncomfortable and unhappy with being something physical. I don't know how to articulate it in a way that doesn't sound silly and stupid and embarrassing. I just hate having to have a container at all and could not feel less like it's me then I already do. Any time I look at myself I know it isn't who I am at all.