I had my first panic attack at pre-school: even at 4 years old, I knew there was a stigma for what I was feeling so I hid it by going to the restroom until it passed. It's interesting how you become a good liar when you suffer in silence: As I got older, I developed many alibis to get out of a stituation that caused panic. Consequently, my mental health issues started to manifest in random physical ailments due to the stress of hiding my untreated malady. It wasn't until my late-30s that I finally sought professional treatment for PTSD, clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. Once I got my meds right, coupled with therapy, my quality of life greatly improved. The sad irony is, even as I made these positive gains, my greatest fear came true: The stigma of merely getting treatment led my supervisor to fire me. What resulted was a 4-year wrongful termination suit. I eventually "won" but it was a pyrrhic victory: during those 4 years, my professional reputation was destroyed. The settlement money only lasted a couple of years, after all my debt was paid. In the end, I spent my 40s housing insecure: From couch surfing, to entering unhealthy relationships simply to have a roof over my head. Toward the end, after sleeping in my car and showering at a local gym, I swallowed my pride and returned to live in my parents' house. I should have asked for help sooner, however, being off my meds, coupled with anxiety and shame, led to bad decisions. It took me a decade to get back on my feet and I am happy to report I've just celebrated my 4th anniversary at a job I love and finally feel like I'm building a solid future for myself. These days I've had to work at IDK learning how to be happy/content/feeling safe? After a decade of living in constant fear and lacking purpose, I am definitely changed (some for the better, some not so much). I'm just working on extracting what lessons I can while letting go of any bitterness. Thanks to the tools I learned, I've gotten better at stopping my "disaster thought" before I spiraled into a full panic attack. Anyway, one thing that got me through some of the toughest times were places like ETS where I could just chat about music, etc., and often found respite in those late-night discussions.