In some ways, I'm kind of there too, even in spite of trying to make things better for myself, which still ultimately boils down to self-preservation and avoiding suffering. The futility of life and death is what always got me ever since I was 7.

Sometimes it helps to stop caring because caring too much hurts so much or just tires me out/confuses the hell of out me or even freaks me out at the very worst. As mentioned in my other post, looking at it again, also seems to scream, "Screw it. I'm done/leaving." Depending on what I'm going through, I seem to constantly shift between caring too much or not caring at all, and just walking/running away. While not always the best option, sleep also helps me shut down and give up, while just clearing my mind and being rested, but like with any coping mechanism, for how long? And I try to be grateful, but I also realize even that is also boiled down to "While I still can."

As much as I don't want to be downer, I figured this thread among a few is still the best place to vent this out.