Reading all of this makes me feel so boring lately; life is great for me currently. It's nice!
Things are much better than they used to be, to say the least. At the happiest point in my life so far, and the most pleasantly stable.
Reading all of this makes me feel so boring lately; life is great for me currently. It's nice!
Things are much better than they used to be, to say the least. At the happiest point in my life so far, and the most pleasantly stable.
I don't know if it's the change in seasons, the days being shorter or what but most days of late have been a struggle for me. The problem is that I feel like I have nobody to talk to about what's been plaguing me so stuff has been slowly chipping away at me over the past few months. For starters, I had had plans to move out of this god-forsaken state once and for all but plans have been postponed indefinitely. I hate my job and of late have been having difficulty keeping shit at work. Company morale is pretty low at work and everybody I talk to feels the same about how staff is treated; i.e. pretty shitty by upper management. I feel that if I don't leave this job soon then something's going to happen for the worse. I don't know how much more unnecessary stress I can take in my life. Sometimes I feel utterly alone and worthless and wonder why my life sucks so much. And that's not including my love life--or lack thereof. I have a crush on somebody and I can't even bring myself to tell them. They live in another state so it's not like I could even have a relationship with them.
Ugggggggggghhhh.
Do you have any extra money? Just tell that person and go visit each other just to live.
The reason I say that is because I'm dropping out of the Masters program I'm in. I completed 2 out of 12 courses, but I don't have enough money to finish, so I'm going to go back to the work world instead of racking up debt. I have this paper due on Monday worth 60 percent of the mark for course 3 but I'm not doing it. I'm going to the Santa Claus parade with a woman (we talked on the phone about 7 hours in 3 days and she's beautiful) I just met on Friday for the first time and her kid brother. I'm living life for the moment, possibly fucking up my future, but I gotta live sometime.
Last edited by cashpiles (closed); 12-03-2011 at 11:35 PM.
Ok, so people make me paranoid sometimes i hate it. "My friend didn't see a doctor in two years and had cancer, they thought they were healthy!" and another person, my teacher, keeps asking me to check out my hiccups which happen singularly through the day all day, it's not A BLOOD CLOT IN MY LUNG THANKS.
i mean i should see a doctor i've been sore as hell but you know, it's not the end of the world people. i get stressed easily! STRESS WON'T GIVE ME CANCER.
I'm usually a fairly private person but all of this has been weighing on my mind causing many sleepless nights:
My wife and I had a baby girl that was born with Mosaic Down Syndrome in July of this year. SSI benefits were a guarantee since she is on oxygen and a heart monitor (for now). We received SSI benefits for exactly 2 months before it was cut off due to... computer error, yep that's right. She is guaranteed her benefits again but will take 3 months at the minimum. This is the best possible season to lose money like that.
I also found out 4 days ago that my mother has a tumor on her liver. She will be having a biopsy done monday at the earliest (then there's the waiting game for the "official" results). She is also having stints put into her kidneys to drain some blood.
All of this is really kind of leaving me speechless. At least I just passed 5 months of sobriety!
Life is awesomely awesome. Living in Australia is fantastic, I just landed a great new job for January, I'm happily married, I'm running again, my family and friends are all healthy and well, I just had a couple of weeks visiting back in Europe, I'm going to a few gigs now and then: it's all good.
..........
Last edited by YKWYA; 12-04-2011 at 07:05 PM. Reason: nevermind
Yeah Pillfred, what hasn't killed you has clearly made you stronger. Way to go.
On a scale of 1 to 10 I rate life about an 8 right now.
Total fucking idiot. That's what I am. I went to the Santa Claus parade instead of writing this paper. I don't have enough money to continue school. I locked my bike up downtown and the rear wheel got stolen AGAIN. That's because I'm an idiot. So I went to Zeller's and bought a new bike for $170 which is a cheap piece of crap, but I needed it to get home, since if I didn't get the bike, it would have taken 2 hours to walk home. I didn't bother to check it, but the wheels are too small, like they belong on a 13 year old's bicycle. I am building Retard Ville, population 1.
This week = crunch time with my grad school classes; three projects due by Monday evening. About 1/2 to 3/4 done with 2 of the 3 which makes me very happy. I also just got back in from coaching a big college swim invitational at Akron, Ohio. Our swimmers lit it up all weekend on very little (about a day) rest and a few tech suit swims. Super excited for the end of the semester and the end of swim season in February!
I'd say that life is what you make it, but I also acknowledge that's cheesy as hell. Basically life can be hard, bleak, and long...but it's worth muscling through for so many reasons. My over analytical mind likes to take the pros and cons and weigh each.
Things in my life that have sucked:
- I lost my father twelve years ago. Two days after he passed I lost my grandfather (my father's father), thus I never really got to know either of them very well even though I was almost 18. We just never...knew each other. I constantly have to tell myself to not be like him as there were a lot of things he did that hurt my family...nothing physical or anything, but I see his faults in me and I have to make sure that I'm my own man.
- One of my friends committed suicide a half a year later just before high school grad. It still haunts me. I also lost a good friend recently who was a year older than me to testicular cancer. That still haunts me. I've lost a few other friends to drugs.
- I suffer from a lot of constant pain. I've been diagnosed with TMJ which can be brutal, and after an injury have to see a chiropractor every 2 months due to a lot of back pain. I over stress about money though I'm doing quite well for myself, but it will keep me up for 3 days.
- I often don't sleep well.
Things that keep me going:
- My fiancee. She grounds me, loves me, comforts me, accepts me. I'd be lost without her. When all is said and done and I'm ready to check out, I know that everything else will be trivial and that loving her will have been the best thing I managed to do on this planet.
- Music.
- My family and friends. Their love is unconditional as well and I need that every day.
There is a lot more, but that's enough of a rant.
I was watching the show Hell On Wheels and some guy asked Cullen "What's the world coming to sir?" and he answers "World ain't comin' to nothing son, same as it ever was." Love that quote and think it pretty much sums it up. *Enter Talking Heads song*
The price is right is on... so yeah life is good.
Despite the darkness I've become so accustomed to inside both my mind and heart, I suppose life can have its awesome moments, and therefore making life worth living. It's far easier said than done, but letting go of past shame, resentment and guilt while being focused on doing my own things, along with the things I enjoy has a lot to do with it sometimes. I still need to work on that though, but that's just a part of being human.
Last edited by Halo Infinity; 12-05-2011 at 10:45 PM.
Life's pretty amazing right now.
After isolating myself for the better part of three years, I've got friends that I'd willingly put down the Xbox controller / laptop to go see; my writing's doing okay (even if I'm not posting much of the stuff I've done lately); I have a job that pays a decent wage and the people I work with are nice; my body image has sky-rocketed lately thanks to a variety of changes I've made in my life and the fact that I've lost a shitton of weight.
I dunno. I never sat down to think of how good I have it 'til just now, and I have to admit things have really been looking up. If I could find a job that pays enough for me to move into my own place, I'd be ecstatic—other than that, though, I can't complain.
The better you look, the more you see...
My husband got a fantastic new job (meaning $$$), we're moving to the best spot in town, I have a partner in crime for my dream occupation, and we may finally win the guardianship of a suffering relative.
But all of this is overshadowed by how socially frustrated I am. I've been living in this city for a year and a half now, and still don't really have friends. I work at a tiny office where the majority of employees are awkward programmers who will barely say anything to me. My boss and I get along like crazy, but she's my boss, and it's not going to go past that unless I work elsewhere. The people I meet are either mentally insane in an offbeat way (beyond what I can take), mentally insane in a religious way, or are just hitting on me. I get along well with guys, but men here aren't allowed to talk to other women if they're married. I've attempted the Craigslist route, and twice now it's lead me to people who scare me away by being overly sexual (I don't want to be in a threesome, and I don't want you to kill me and stuff me with dildos). I feel like even after school is over, there is still this categorizing that keeps me out of any social circle, especially in such a polarized city where you're expected to be extremely religious or extremely rebellious.
Life kind of sucks as of late. Keep asking myself why I even bother. I tend to get into a pretty dark funk when the days get shorter. It also doesn't help that the 8th anniversary of my best friend's death is in a few weeks. . .
my life is consistently awesome and burdened little by regrets!
Im undecided on how my life is going right now. Too many times in the last year my happiness in life has been an illusion. I was pretty content until I realized how fucked up things were around me. Its getting better though. itll take some time.
Right now: suck. All years below are in reference to that Christmas:
2007: Grandpa has a "minor" stroke; hospitalized for a few days before coming home.
2008: Fine.
2009: Hospitalized again for heart issues.
2010: Fine.
2011: I'm paranoid as fuck, and sure enough, I get a call last night saying he's in the hospital. Thankfully, a little over two hours later, I find out it's another mini-stroke, and that he's in good spirits and he'll be home again within a day.
I haven't had a breakdown like this in a long time. I wasn't planning on seeing my girlfriend last night, but thankfully, she made time. I hadn't told her about my paranoia about the odd-year pattern, and when I tried to explain it last night, I got three words out before I got so choked up that I couldn't even talk. Now I'm just a mess, because it's another eye-opener that my grandpa doesn't have much time left, and there's a good chance I'll be on a tour thousands of miles away when it's time to say goodbye.
Your years seem to go in the opposite direction to mine. Odds are always good for me, but evens are awful.
As of now, life is yet another weird and incredibly confusing combination of both, but I'm still trying to hang in there.
well i don't understand myself sometimes. i've had a pretty stressful end of the semester, but classes are over. So anyways, today i slept in, had nothing nothing nothing to do. I still got up pretty early, i cleaned the kitchen, took photos, and just relaxed in general. My eye twitch was completely gone, so I thought that was a good sign. Anyways, took a nap, woke up rather abruptly due to my cellphone buzz, which ALWAYS gives me a heart attack/adrenaline rush, because it's what i use for my alarm, but this was just a text. So i tried going back to sleep but was just half awake, so i had a weird daydream turned negative, my brain kind of drifted AGAINST MY WILL- into a mini nightmare where NDAA and SOPA had passed.
It's been about 40 minutes since that happened, my heart hasn't really stopped racing and my eye is twitching like fucking crazy. But rationally, i'm perfectly calm. I feel a bit disconnected about what's really going. I did a little crying at one point, but anyways everything in my head is exploding a little, it's taking all my energy to not write or even think actually, about everything i have to do and WHEN. I feel like i'm experiencing anxiety in it's most isolated form (meaning there's nothing REAL that triggered it, besides my phone perhaps, it's like it triggered itself.)
Anyways, just had to let that out. I can't even focus on music right now, so straaaaaange.