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Faceplams: Fuck yeah, you two crazy kids!
God is an American
Fuck yeah, you two crazy kids!
The Enhancer
Wow, she sounds lovely.Originally Posted by Beef of the Sea
Throbbing Member
Tell her to get fucked.
Resident Asshole
So I've pretty much been staying at my girls place for the past month while my ex roommate takes his sweet ass time moving out of our place (things ended real badly between us and I'm trying to avoid him like the plague). Its been so nice having someone to come home to each night and to have someone to cook for (I love to cook, just not for myself) who actually appreciates it. She had the last three days off and we did absolutely nothing, just stayed in and watched "Animal Cops: Houston", a couple of movies, ate Mochi (which is totally awesome and you should try some if you haven't before), and each night went out to dinner to some place new. This girl is amazing, we click on every level and share a lot of the same goals for the future. In two weeks we're heading home to San Diego so she can meet the family and so I can show her around my home town.I'm pretty sure I'm feeling just like how @Eos did a few posts back which has me on cloud 9 at the moment
2012, so far you've been pretty awesome. Lets try and stay on track, yeah?
Bent Member
That's the best kind of advice.
Active Member
Looking at profiles on OKCupid (I don't have an account) was just a HUGE reminder of how not ready for something like that I am. I've been casually seeing someone for a while now but my life is waaaaaaaay too much needing-to-fix-chaos to try to see anyone in addition, not to mention going about it that way probably wouldn't be my thing, but yeah.
Throbbing Member
Helped my wife move out this weekend. I still have her annoying dogs but hopefully they go this coming weekend as well. All this while I end up with the flu all week. It's been a blast.
Active Member
Well, in about two weeks, I'll be throwing in the towel on online dating.
OKC? The people in my area are batshit crazy. Even the suggestions from the site are for people who don't even live in this state.
POF? Garbage. More insane people, and the site just keep stripping away features in an attempt to make more money.
Match? Here's the real kicker. Finally paid, but after almost three months, I've sent messages to nearly 100 people, heard back from five, gone on two first dates, and zero second dates. If I go for another three months, my bill is up to over $120, and when you make the shit money that I do, there's no justifying that when you've had the results I've had.
And if this isn't depressing enough, I've finally come to the realization that my loneliness is beyond sad and has reached a point of being downright unhealthy. Hell, when I'm out for a run or a walk and I see a young couple run past, I get a rush of depression, envy, and even a hint of anger. I can't watch movies, even comedies, because the inevitable "boy gets the girl" plot depresses the hell out of me. Even the books I'm reading where those are minor parts of the plot are starting to wreak havoc on my mood. I'm sleeping like shit, and find myself waking up numerous times in the middle of the night with the overwhelming feeling that some sort of horrible news is waiting for me the second I open my bedroom door.
And I truly believe this all stems from the mere fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm realizing more and more how isolated I am out here. I haven't so much as hugged anyone in over a month. No one who isn't related to me has ever, in my life, said "I love you". When shit hits the fan, I don't have a sympathetic ear. And in my rare victories, I don't have anyone to celebrate with or say congrats.
I know this isn't healthy, and frankly, I'm a little scared at this point. I have a job that, some days, I can call my dream job, my (physical) health, and I'm financially stable. I feel like I shouldn't be this bad just because of my relationship status. But it's the only part of my life I'm not happy with, and all of these problems just get worse and worse whenever there's even the slightest traces of other couples around me. I don't have a clue what to do at this point, because I'm sure as hell not going to attract anybody feeling like this. Shit.
Bent Member
Please, make it a priority to share your feelings with a professional therapist. Your emotional health doesn't need to be enslaved like it is right now. (You may also be turning off prospective mates because they sense how in turmoil you are.) You have to find some peace -- let someone help you unravel it all.
Active Member
You're a pretty nice guy. My husband left some old coats of mine on the fence. He didn't see the symbolism.
Active Member
I gotta agree with Jess - talking it out will help you to understand. Also, even though you sound like you have a full life - getting out and doing new things will get you exposed to more people, maybe even like minded, and only help to have human contact - you never know - you might meet someone you like.... It's not impossible - you are at the beginning of the road - definitely not the end.
Active Member
Trust me, I'd love to. But my company doesn't offer health insurance, and the "disaster plan" that I'm paying for out of pocket pretty much only covers...well...disasters (think cancer, major injuries off the job, etc).
As for your theory, I know what you mean. I've taken great care not to let any of this seep into my profile, and my messages to others are usually pretty short - just enough to show that I'm interested and try to start a conversation - no more, no less.
Bent Member
Look for places that might offer free therapy, even if you have to travel a distance to get it. Churches often offer it (but without religion in the therapy), and nonprofit organizations that offer healthcare to the uninsured might include mental-health services. If there's nothing, even within a couple hours' driving distance, try calling individual therapists and see if they'll offer reduced rates -- hey, if you can get 10 visits at $50 each, put it on a credit card or take out a small loan. If someone you contact doesn't have a sliding scale, ask who they'd suggest you call. Try local hospitals and ask if they have suggestions. You'll find something -- I know it's important to you.
Hairy Member
You need to take all that money and time and spend it by being a happy single person. I'm not saying go to bars every night and get drunk and stupid, (unless you really enjoy that) I'm saying fill every minute of your day with stuff that make you happy. The people around you have a purpose in your life too, don't dismiss a friend because you're either not attracted to them/they crazy/kind of a loser/perfectionist/better than you in every way. Socializing helps you sculpt your likes and dislikes. Maybe what you thought you really wanted wasn't as important and you find what you really need.
My point is: Don't look at it like dating, try to see the human in yourself and others and just go from there. Stop stressing about it. Don't date.
Active Member
Do you think you are happy with who you are in and of yourself?
IIRC you're the person who's never been in a relationship. I'm not sure if this will help you, but having grown up without love and support from a lot of the places most people expect, I learned to focus on loving myself, because myself is all I really have. I try (but quite often fail) at being the most awesome person I can be. I do feel alone a lot, and I do sometimes wish I had someone I could lean on and trust, but I've come to realise that the most important person to cherish is me. This makes it easier to believe that it's someone else's fault when relationships (not even romantic ones, I mean friendships) don't work, or at least think "I've been the best me I can be...I did the best with the tools and information at my disposal". It took me ages to get to this place; I only really got here a year or so ago, and it took two deaths to make me realise it. I now consider myself to be hidden treasure (but hopefully on the correct side of arrogance) but would rather be alone with my awesome life (which doesn't really involve many other people very often and still has a lot that's fucked up about it) than share it with someone who wouldn't appreciate me. And yeah, I still get really upset over a number of things, but that's what music (my true undying love) is for, and for the majority of the time, I pull through. And I think I'd rather be this way than worry about other flawed humans.
Active Member
Oh, if only I had a dollar for every time I heard "enjoy being single". I'm pushing 27, and I've been single for nearly 26 years of that. Been there, done that. I understand that some people are able to be perfectly happy without that certain someone in their life...but not me. I'm longing for more.
The problem with filling my days with things that make me happy is that it thrusts me into view of all the aforementioned other couples, which ends up sparking the insanely unhealthy feelings I wrote about. Cheesy as it sounds, I really do like spending my free time either at the gym, out for a run or bike ride around town, or hiking somewhere. Or just lounging in the back yard with a book. But no matter where I am, I'm constantly reminded that I'm surround by happy couples, while I've got jack squat. I know that shouldn't be such a big problem, but it is, and that's why I'm worried.
And believe me, I'm trying to make friends. The problem is that the few I had made since moving out here have moved away, and I'm really just not good at meeting new people - that's a problem that I've had my entire life. When my roommate invites his friends over, I inevitably end up sitting awkwardly with the group for a while, then eventually wander away because I can't break my way in to the conversation.
Now, as for whether I'm happy with myself or not...in all other regards, yes. I'm pretty damn proud of everything I've accomplished. I got laid off from what I thought was my dream job in my early 20's, made a last-minute decision to move 2,000 miles to go back to school in the middle of nowhere, then immediately got hired at the company that had inspired me to make that move. Every day, I work side-by-side with some of the most important people in my field, and I'm being given challenges that I enjoy solving. I don't have a desk or a cubicle; I'm constantly moving (which is how I like it). I'm fit, I don't own anybody any money, and I went from being that awkward kid that got picked on a lot in school to a guy who, generally speaking, has his shit together. Honestly, aside from vain things (i.e. being more attractive), there really isn't anything about myself that I'd want to change.
Last edited by theimage13; 03-20-2012 at 05:32 AM.
Hairy Member
I love reading books and listening to music. But that's not a social activity unless you're in a book club or a concert. I hate working out but that too is not a sociable activity unless you're in a team.
This forum is a good way to find like-minded people but let's face it, everybody is so far away that it's a bit heart breaking sometimes. The internet is not a very good sociable place if you're not a very sociable person in the first place.
You say you're tired of hearing people say "enjoy being single", well... REAL TALK: You're never going to really enjoy a relationship if you don't get out there and enjoy yourself with other people. You need friends. Even if you move anywhere, you need people. Practice those social skills, it hurts at first if you're shy but you'll get it eventually.
You need to find like minded people (IRL) and stop being so into yourself. By that I mean, really care to listen to them and what they have to say but don't give a fuck about expressing your opinions. "Cuz those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"-Dr. Seuss.
Last edited by Lunatica; 03-20-2012 at 02:16 PM.
Stubby Member
maybe try something different than online dating? you could give this a try http://www.lotsofevents.com/index.ph...=51&Itemid=549 there is an events and adventures group in my area and I know quite a few people who had luck with it.
Active Member
Your description of your life to me is that you should start externalising the blame for why you're not hooking up with anyone BUT seeing as that's not the approach you'd like to take, try meetup.com. Branching off from what Luna said, it's a good way to do things with new people who share the same interests as you, and it gets you out and about and into being more social. It's also handy if there are things you want to do but you have nobody to do them with. And because you're there to do a specific thing, nobody really cares if you don't feel like talking.
Active Member
Believe it or not, I was signed up for Meetup at one point. I had even RSVP'd to attend one of the biweekly meetups that a group I was interested in was holding. Half an hour before I was supposed to leave, I got sick to my stomach. I'm still not convinced it was something I ate - I think it was anxiety. I'm sure I would've been fine if I'd had a friend coming with me, but I'm not good with just randomly meeting a new group on my own.
I know I need to find friends to just go out and hang out with, but I'm having a hell of a time with even that. Most people at work are from this area, and have their cliques formed. I thought that was supposed to end in high school. Oh well. I get along with everyone just fine while we're actually in the shop, and they'll tell me how groups are going out for weekends at a cabin or something like that - but I'm never included. Am I wrong to think it'd be awkward to say "hey, that sounds like fun - can I join in?" in situations like that?
Active Member
I was like that for a long time, but eventually I plucked up the courage to go to one. I think there was something happening on my way home from something else, so I could drop in. Being there early helps too, believe it or not. Seeing one lone person there waiting is much more inviting than seeing a big scary group. Get a bit drunk if you have to.
Active Member
Ah social anxiety - how do we love thee?
I agree with icklekitty. Yelp does events too.
Quiet Member
The way I see it Image, you have three choices. Take my advice for what it is - not trying to offend you or be rude here, as I'm somewhat echoing what has already been said.
Choice a) continue on as you are. Embrace the loneliness. Get jaded and bitter and spend most of your life alone, and at the very least you will find comfort in the safety and routine of that. Doesn't seem like the best option, but it is the easiest.
Choice b) grab a hold of your fucking nut sack and decide to be happy. It is a choice. Only in America do people *expect* to get to be in love. You have a good job you like, you feel good about where you are otherwise. You are putting the cart before the horse. No woman is ever going to be attracted to your needyness and insecurity. They want someone who can buck up and take care of them when they are feeling that way. Someone who can go and do some of the socially akward shit they get unnerved by. Love isn't fair, and in truth, it is almost lottery esque. Not everyone gets their name called in the draw regardless of effort. But you might as well come to terms with that now and grow up, since you will be doomed to a life of unhappiness otherwise. Just because you don't get to be in love doesn't mean you can't be happy. And if you believe otherwise, that unhappiness is going to seep through in everything you do and come off as an extremely unattractive repellent, thus repeating the cycle until the end of time. If you just put it out of your mind, focus on other things, like others said just get out there, be social, find a new hobby, etc, eventually you'll find what you're looking for, or at least have some fun adventures. Keep looking at yourself as a tragic figure, and that's what you'll become.
Choice c) if you really feel this is something you can't ignore, and is a true geographical issue, then fucking move. It's sounds scary but it's your life and you get to decide. Your mental health is more important than your dream job it appears. Save up some cash, and throw your shit in a car, and drive to NY or LA or somewhere of the sort and start a new life. It might be the refresh you need. Sounds like you live in a huge shit hole. A change of scenery can do wonders. That being said, there is the risk of doing that, and you still feeling the same way you do now years later. "Running" from your problems isn't necessarily the answer, because then you'll keep running, and it will become cyclical. Only you know whether or not leaving your hometown in the dust is something that will grow your soul in a healthy way.
At the end of the day, you may or may not find someone, but even if you do, if you are relying on them to fulfill you, then chances are you are still going to be miserable once you do, after the initial love buzz wears off, as it would be impossible for any one person to live up to the expectations you probably have built up for them in your head all these years. Inner peace, happiness, etc - it always come from within. Right now you just sound like an angsty teenager, spending so much time and energy worrying about something essentially out of your control. Raging 1st world problems. Worry about the things you can control. You will find yourself to be a much more centered, and focused individual. Don't let your mind get the best of you, remember; YOU control it!
Active Member
^^^
Good points. All of them.
Long story short: you know the whole "follow your head" or "follow your heart" approach to many of life's decisions? My head has it together. My head knows that I've got a good job, a place that I generally don't mind living in, and really, not a whole lot to bitch about. But despite knowing that, my heart seems to be overriding it. Yes, I get how idiotic that sounds. How can I know I'm okay, but still feel so screwed up, you ask? That's the part that worries me, because I don't have an answer. Maybe it's time to suck it up, open the wallet, and go talk to a professional. My angsty 13 year old self would kick current me in the dick for even suggesting that, but I'm not 13 anymore. Haven't been for a long time, thankfully.
Oh, and as for your very last line, Agent: a teacher I admire told us something similar during a class, and I had an epiphany right there in fifth period. It was like a switch flipped, and suddenly I was nothing but happy unless I had a damn good reason not to be. In summary: I need to find that switch again.
Active Member
^^There's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. Just don't get discouraged if you have to try out a few of them until you find the right one.
Throbbing Member
Something I've noticed- you're falling into a circular method of thinking here, and that's probably screwing you up more than anything. You were going to go to a meetup but felt sick, right? Which you tell yourself was because of anxiety (but you don't really have much evidence to suggest that. I once had a doctor try and convince me that my stomach pain was psychosomatic, but later it turned out to be appendicitis, so)- so you get more anxious about how anxious you're getting. That's bordering on self-sabotage and it only ever gets worse. It's like when people act like asses, and justify it by saying that everyone always leaves them in the end anyway (not that you're doing that, but it's a similar pattern).
Maybe the fact you think with your head is part of the problem? Perhaps you should switch your brain off from time to time and relax a bit. I know that sounds a bit empty, but meetups are a great idea for practicing this, especially when there's alcohol involved.
You know you've done this right when:
a: You've made a total fool out of yourself and realised you don't care.
b: You've made a total fool out of yourself and you get invited back.
c: You've been mistaken for gay by more than two people in the group, you don't care, and everyone still wants to hang out anyway.
I dont know man. Maybe a short sharp course of Prozac would help.
Active Member
No, nobody's asking that. Because it's normal human behaviour. Emotion is not reason. Reason is quick and sensible, emotion lingers even after you have your plan sorted out.
Active Member
Meeting the girl I've been talking to online in person tomorrow. Admittedly, I'm a bit nervous.
Active Member
She cancelled... Though, I'm not surprised, this is like the 3rd time. She could be nervous about meeting like I am.
Last edited by Frozen Beach; 03-23-2012 at 02:59 PM.
God is an American
Sorry to hear about that. As I think we all learned earlier in this thread, the best course of action is obviously to stalk her at work (kidding).
I've been to see a couple of shows/had drinks with a Canadian human woman I met online. We've made plans to go out for dinner, and I won't jinx it by elaborating further.
Last edited by botley; 03-24-2012 at 04:39 PM.
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