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Faceplams: "You're all FREAKS! I'M a MAN!"Originally Posted by slave2thewage
The Enhancer
"You're all FREAKS! I'M a MAN!"
Active Member
Decided to delete my facebook account permanently, and cut off all ties with her. She's been ignoring me recently during a pretty bad part of my life, and she just ignores my calls or any attempts to just start a conversation. It's bullshit. I spent hours listening to her rant about her life, allowing her to get things off her chest, but she won't do the same for me. Fuck her. I'm fucking tired of having feelings for people who don't actually give a shit about me. I hope she has a good life, but preferably far the fuck away from me.
Banned
Yeah dude she's bad news. She's using you to make herself feel better when she needs it. The fact that she said she was too ugly to be seen outside TO YOU is shameless fishing for a compliment because she knows you are obviously attracted to her. It's immature and you'll learn that 'no I'm just in a bad spot right now' is just another way of saying no. Don't delete facebook because of her though, she wins that way and you look weak.
Active Member
Yeah, I undeleted it, but deleted her from my friends list and blocked her. Don't know if I should delete her sister though. As long as she doesn't talk to me about it, I guess.
Stubby Member
Do you speak to the sister on any sort of regular/friendly basis? If you do, it's probably safe to leave her. Unfriending the woman herself is sort of a severance message: 'Hey, you're out of my life now.' Unless she goes all stalkery on your ass you're probably okay to leave her sister there if you still actually have an interest to remain on speaking terms with her.
Active Member
Not really, but now that I think about it, I think it might be fine to leave her on my friends list since they both don't meet eye to eye about things anyway.
Bent Member
If you don't speak to her, and (if my suspicion is correct) you added her only because you were dating her sister, why keep her on your friends list? Especially if seeing her on your friends list will just remind you of your ex?
Unless you're keeping her around to passive-aggressively try to piss off your ex for unfriending her and not her sister. In either case, you need to just remove her.
Behold the morning star
I think my girlfriend might be cheating on me. She has been talking to this guy we met at rammstein online a lot. She has been distant. Every time I try to have sex she backs off.
I might just be paranoid because this has happened to me before. I really its just paranoia.
Active Member
I'm not dating her sister, we were trying to be close friends, and her sister added me.
Bent Member
Let's try this again for better pronoun comprehension. Say your ex is named Brenda. Say her sister is named Lois.
If you don't speak to Lois, and (if my suspicion is correct) you added Lois only because you were dating Brenda, why keep Lois on your friends list? Especially if seeing Lois on your friends list will just remind you of Brenda?
Unless you're keeping Lois around to passive-aggressively try to piss off Brenda, by unfriending Brenda and not Lois. In either case, you need to just remove Lois.
Bite me
You need to step the fuck away from everybody involved with your ex. That's the way it works. It was invented during Biblical times. Because it works. Follow the Rules. Them's the Rules. If you break the Rules, you be on the short bus of Rules, dude. Step the fuck away from everything and everyone you have in common with her. Period. Defriend everybody on FB that's a mutual friend. Keep your own original friends, but ditch anybody else even vaguely associated with her. That sucks, sure, but that's what being a grown up is all about.
Last edited by allegro; 05-18-2012 at 01:56 AM.
Throbbing Member
I can no longer force myself to pay attention when my S.O. talks about her job (80% of what she talks about). Any advice before I talk to her about it tonight?
Administrator
Is it general office bullshit or something more serious?
Banned
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, firstly, is Lois hot?
And secondly, I'm under the impression they never went out, so she's not an ex, just a toxic person.
Throbbing Member
General office BS.
Bite me
She's an "ex" in his head, that's all that matters.
Active Member
Ok, I'm an idiot. She called, apologized and said that she was having a "not wanting to associate with people" moment. I feel like a douche bag. I probably should be on some sort of medication. I'm tired of overreacting at things.
Banned
You need to downgrade the friendship with her.
Stubby Member
I might not be the best when it comes to relationship advice but I do know a dodgy one when I see it (sadly not when I'm in one, though). One of two things is happening here: she's freaking out because you cut her out of your life and trying to manipulate you into forgiving her by making you feel guilty OR you really did go a little overboard making assumptions. Either way it might not be the best idea to jump back into things (if that was what you were thinking).
I'm saying this from the experience of being someone who needs their alone time (like, a fucking lot) and someone who assumes the worst about people, which is kind of both sides of your equation right now. The fact that you reacted so explosively to the whole thing (going so far as to block her on FB) is pretty telling. Whether she just genuinely couldn't face interacting with someone (and I've been there, so I know it happens) or not, it's obviously not a healthy pairing if something like this could happen.
Throbbing Member
Okay so this turned out to be a lot more than I wanted it to be. For the last several weeks thoughts have been creeping in at the corners of my mind. I love my girlfriend, but I'm not IN love with her. And I don't know why. What I said above is true, but it's not a deal breaker by a long shot. There's nothing I can point to and say 'this is to blame.' No one has ever treated me this well. No relationship I've ever had has been this smooth or had this level of communication. She doesn't make me compromise who I am; she truly wants me just for me, and unlike everyone else I've ever been with when my passions and pursuits become an inconvenience, her support for them remains strong. She's everything I've ever wanted in a companion, so why am I not head over heels for this person? There has to be something wrong with me. It seems like some part of me will only accept a person who treats me like shit, and hurts me. I feel like I'm broken.
I told her all of this last night because I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I also said that I wanted to fight for it. I really do want it to work. My only thought is that if I hang around long enough, maybe the feelings will kick in.
Last edited by Magtig; 05-19-2012 at 06:18 PM.
Bite me
It takes some work on your part to make this work. Like listening to her talk about her day. Partners don't listen to hours of bullshit about their respective partner's job because they thoroughly enjoy it; they do it because that's what being partners is all about: supporting each other, listening to each other. And, sometimes, it also means pointing out that they're whining. Not a whole lot comes from hours of whining or bitching if someone continues to put up with bullshit at the job; perhaps telling her that she should consider DOING something about it, like perhaps finding another job or changing her attitude about her job would help? There are definitely aspects of this "relationship" thing that require us to, um, learn to tolerate things that can drive us a little nuts. It also means supporting each other, guiding each other into constructive changes, and sometime just accepting each other. G and I listen to each other bitch about our careers all the time. Sometimes we have NO idea what the other is talking about (we have lingo in each of our careers that means zero to anyone outside of our careers). So we listen to the parts we do understand and kind of skim over the parts we don't, and point out the parts where maybe we can help each other.
Re "in love" -- I've been with G for 16 years and I love him very much, but I'm not sure I've ever been "in love" in my entire life. Not like this mythical thing on television and in books. I don't get it. I don't think I'm capable of it. It sounds stupid to me. I'm far too logical. I think real love is deeper and more important than that. When you can still be with someone for nearly 20 years and you still really enjoy each other's company more than the company of anybody else, and you genuinely like to do things together, and you can argue but it's over and it's like it never happened 20 minutes later, then let's compare that to these people who are head-over-heels "in love" and see if they get the same mileage. If they do, great, more power to them. But, we don't all think the same way, and I think it's important for me to be honest, here, and say that I'm not even sure that this kind of "love" is possible for my type of personality and maybe not yours, either.
My mom used to think this is "sad." Now, she is starting to understand that I may be a lot happier in my relationship than she ever was in hers. She thinks with her heart; my heart doesn't think, my mind controls everything.
Last edited by allegro; 05-19-2012 at 07:23 PM.
Throbbing Member
I appreciate your reply & honesty, allegro. I'm running around in circles here; talking helps. I have been head over heels in love several times. But when I reflect upon those relationships, they were always really fucked up and unhappy. Dysfunctional, would be the word. That dopamine high is incredibly powerful, and it will cause you to make horrible decisions (just like any other drug); there's a sickly delirium to that experience. It also feels like nothing else in this world, and I'm pretty sure that's how she feels about me. In a way I feel like I'm short changing her, even though that's not really fair to say.
I do enjoy just being with her, and we're always doing awesome shit together. I don't think we've ever really argued (which is especially weird with me); it's not that we haven't run into problems before we just simply communicate instead of arguing.
Bent Member
Maybe what you had before was really New Relationship Energy, or just sexual chemistry, or an addictive high you got from chaos. You could have had it wrong all along -- what you're experiencing now might be what being "in love" actually is.
I hope everything turns out well.
Bite me
Hmmm, interesting.
Quiet Member
I like that. We should all define what love means to us, and not have it be defined to us. Sure there is the hollywood "example", but it's nothing tangible to actually compare to when you go to measure up. It's based on vague ideas, moments, and imagery, but nothing of real substance whatsoever. If love to you is fucking 10 times a day and making stupid decisions, then that's cool, chances are your version of love will always be fleeting, but some people are honestly happier that way. If your version of love is defined by logic, order, reason, and sensibility, then that's cool too, although chances are you will have a relationship devoid of much passion, but again, some people are happier that way (catch there is, you just have to hope long term that your partner is the same way, which is hard, especially over the long haul, since people are always changing). In the end, only you can know what it takes for yourself to be happy, the hardest part for most people is not so much finding someone (although agreed, its still fucking tough and basically a lottery at best) but rather coming to terms with what kind of love makes you happiest and disregading the kind of love you think you should have. You also have to be so self aware to notice if and when that definition of happiness changes, and its quite likely that it will from 18 to 40, if not multiple times, which I why I generally believe that the majority of the human population are not suited for marriage. But people scare easily, and are prone to comfort, so it ends up making sense when it shouldn't. And even when the stars do align in those rare instances, no one is really immune to being cheated on when things get their most primal. We are merely animals, after all. You can be committed in your heart one million percent to someone, but no person is above a moment of weakness or failure in any facet of life, love or otherwise. That's not an excuse, it's just reality. How many times have you said you wouldn't do something that you ended up doing, or made a mistake, small or large, that you wish you could take back?
For myself, love is loosely comprised of four simple things (in no specific order, each is as important)
1) Attraction
2) Communication
3) Dedication
4) Fun
If I don't feel a physical chemistry, I'm out. If I can't talk about anything and everything with you in a comfortable environment, I'm out. If I can't be 100% dedicated to you and our life together, then I'm out. If we can't laugh, adventure, and relax together, then I'm out.
I went 24 years without coming close to feeling anything like the definition I built for myself, and never said the words to anyone despite many casual relationships. 4 years ago that changed, and I am lucky enough to say I will be marrying that person later this year.
I still feel that spark when she touches me. There is nothing we can't talk about or deal with. We can spend hours upon hours together doing abolutely nothing together and I still enjoy her company. I've never once felt the need to run or get away (and I've always been a lone wolf). Only to get closer. And unless she is happy and well looked after, I'm fucking miserable. She has and always will be my number one priority. I have hobbies, I have career goals, aspirations and dreams sure, but they all come second. They have to. We have bullshit to deal with, bills to pay, our own personal issues, but none of it really truly matters so long as we are together. I firmly believe if you have something that takes priority over your significant other, then you probably shouldn't be with them, at least not seriously.
And I'm not naive enough to think that we will have a perfect life. Who knows what kind of people we will have turned in to in 10 years or where our lives take us. That's life! We make choices. It's how we learn. And I choose her. If there are any consequences down the line for that choice, so be it. At least it was mine. Not my parents or friends, not society's, not hollywood's... mine.
Magtig, using the excuse of being 'broken' is probably your mind's way of trying to take the blame for the fact that this girl will do everything for you, and she still can't make you happy. It's not her fault, and it's not your fault. It just is. If you really care for her, you should let her go. I know you want to try and make it work because that's what feels like the right thing to do, but the right thing to do is look at how this relationship makes you feel, and not at what you hope it can become. There is a difference of putting in work to be committed to each other, and simply waiting for things to change. It seems like your wanting the choice to be made for you. Make your own.
Last edited by AgentofChaos; 05-20-2012 at 04:41 AM.
Bite me
This is my second marriage and my third live-in relationship. For me, "happiness" = "lack of unhappiness."
No drama, no high-maintenance bullshit, no games, no lying, etc. Life's too fucking short. And, yeah, caring about each other and treating each other nice really means a lot. Right now, I'm lying in bed lazing around on a Sunday morning and my husband is in the kitchen feeding our five pets. :-)
Last edited by allegro; 05-20-2012 at 08:37 AM.
Throbbing Member
That reminds me of the main answer I would give people when asked why I proposed to my wife.
"She drives me a lot less nuts than the rest of the world."
Active Member
I can empathise. I sort of doubt that I can ever feel that fairytale love, or that I really understand what it would be like or recognise it if it slapped me in the face. But I know when I really care about someone to the point of not wanting to hurt them, thinking about them a lot, and having things in the rest of your life that reminds you of them.
You haven't mentioned what her reaction was to you saying how you feel. Presuming this is about you wanting to requite her feelings as opposed to her being upset, I would say that what you feel towards her is more important. As you say, this isn't a punch-drunk emotion. Your feelings (and they are very good feelings) come from a sober, rational place. I think the way you feel is a more realistic interpretation of reasons to be in a relationship, as opposed to getting carried away with your emotions and behaving like you're in a film - did those head over heels relationships crash as hard as they soared?
And if she's OK with you feeling the way you do, and she still trusts that you will be a good partner, then maybe her being more...emotional? about it is just her way of doing it. And you seem to always be doing the right thing (from what you post in here) by always being clear with her, always making sure she's OK, etc.
Active Member
This worked for me for a long long time. I said "I could always work it out with him." I now see this as a cop out to really doing the hard work in a relationship. allergro's comment about listening even if you don't understand what they're talking about, but then be the person that says the hard things like "so what are you going to do about it?" I found myself protecting other people's egos way too much and now realize I can't own other people's happiness. That doesn't help a relationship.
Throbbing Member
This is an incorrect assumption. Besides, I would never put someone in the position of being responsible (even erroneously) for my happiness.
The choice I made was to fight for it, but I can see why you said this and I think I agree with the sentiment. However, like all paradoxes, love is pretty hard to define. I've been around the block enough to understand what a new relationship feels like, and what delirious love feels like, and I know that a lot of it is a chemical reaction. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to fall in love. Proximity can definitely accomplish that if everything else is working (commitment, communication, enjoyment of company, sexual chemistry, etc), which it truly is, in my case.It seems like your wanting the choice to be made for you. Make your own.
Last night we went to her friend's birthday party, and had a great time together including the very raunchy sex we had when we got home. It wasn't uncomfortable, and there didn't seem to be a relationship death sentence hanging over us (something I feared). It confirmed for me that I should fight for it, and that I shouldn't run off just because some preconception of mine wasn't met. I think it's more a question of not giving up on something when encountering a speed bump than wanting a choice to be made for me. This has been really emotionally confusing and I may just have to own up to the idea that I might be inventing problems, however real they may seem, for myself.
To address icklekitty's post: her reaction to hearing all this was to try to find a reason to blame herself, but there is no blame. Eventually I got through on that point.
I have this in spades.I sort of doubt that I can ever feel that fairytale love, or that I really understand what it would be like or recognise it if it slapped me in the face. But I know when I really care about someone to the point of not wanting to hurt them, thinking about them a lot, and having things in the rest of your life that reminds you of them.
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