The Relationship Thread

[slave2thewage]

Mushroom houses? As in Super Mario Brothers?

Oh, pet.

[jessamineny]

...Mushroom houses? Oh god.

Mushroom houses? As in Super Mario Brothers?

Oh, pet.

http://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14...31022966_zpid/

[RocketScience]

I admit, it's a strange pastime :P

http://digitalkimdracula.deviantart.com/#/d5dp7w4

[pigpen]

I feel like a total idiot..

Let me explain. I got together with this girl a few times..and then on what could be considered our 3rd date we talked at length about our past lovers/sexual encounters..
She hadn't talked to me in a few day following that date, and in the midst of her absence another girl i know asked if I'd like to join her for a drink.. I agreed, and as fate would have it, the bar we walk into just so happens to be the bar the first girl I was talking about is having drinks in..
So, she sees me out with some other girl... I feel like a total asshole.. I mean, it's not as though I was dating her or anything.. but she's not talked to me since, and that was almost a week ago. Fuck..
The worst part is, I was actually starting to really like that girl but thought maybe she lost interest because she stopped talking to me on FB...

Where the fuck is the reset button!?

[Piko]

But she hadn't talked to you in days? What was her impression? Maybe you're worrying over nothing?

[pigpen]

Yeah, which I thought was kind of strange since prior to that, we'd talk pretty frequently.. I thought maybe she'd lost interest, or something.

I mean, it WAS reasonable to accept the invitation out for drinks, right?

[Piko]

Technically, you did nothing wrong. You were interested in the one girl, but you hadn't talked to her in days. There's nothing wrong with keeping your options open. Did she shoot you a dirty look, or something? And if she did, was it because she thought you move from girl to girl, or maybe you move fast from girl to girl? Either way, you did nothing wrong. It seems like she might have lost interest.

[pigpen]

Yeah, I really don't know how she felt about the whole thing.. It probably shouldn't matter much, though. Nothing worth stressing about.. We had fun together and I really liked her, but I truthfully I don't think I was very attracted to her..I'm just hoping I didn't make myself look like a total asshole.

[Piko]

Funny thing about life, we're going to step on toes. We may not do it on purpose, but its gonna happen. We just have to deal with it and move forward, as shitty as that sounds. Sounded like a lost cause anyway. If I were in that situation, I'd just try to make the best of the circumstances. "She hasn't spoken to me in days, no harm, no foul". That's the impression I'd get and how I'd, personally, go about it. We're all different though.

Haven't seen this girl I talked about since Monday (few days, no big deal, right?). I thought we hit it off. But it sucks that I have no idea when I'll ever see her again, or even if. And it really sucks. Thought about looking to see where she works (she mentioned it, but my hearing kinda sucks these fays). I don't want to be THAT guy. But, I don't want to just stand around, wait, and do nothing. Kinda have it narrowed down of which store it could be. I hate having to do this though...

[pigpen]

Yeah, i don't know about THAT one. You may achieve the opposite of what you want if you go and try to track her down..

as far as my situation, I'll just let it ride I guess and see what, if anything happens. Not much else to do, really. You're right though, toes will get stepped on..

[Piko]

Yeah, I'm probably not going to track her down. If I see her again, awesome. If not, ah well...

[Nyx]

So.. she hasn't contacted you, but have you contacted her? You hung out, you liked her but you're not doing anything to find out whether she liked you too? Am I missing something here?
Edit: replying to Pigpen here.

[Dra508]

So.. she hasn't contacted you, but have you contacted her? You hung out, you liked her but you're not doing anything to find out whether she liked you too? Am I missing something here?
Edit: replying to Pigpen here.

Yeah, I sort think you should back the truck up on this one too. Pigpen, This first girl might have seen you with the second girl at this bar and thought "aw, I liked him, but he must not be that into me because he's with another girl". Every girl wants to feel like they are THE only girl. I've got to believe that is the same with guys. I'd give her a ring - you'll either get "Oh hi, I'm so glad you called" or "oh hi, how's that girl I saw you out with?" The later is a tell that she wants to know if she's got a chance with you. If you fuck up that answer, then yeah, you're toast.

Go forth and find out. Report back here pronto - I hate mysteries.

[pigpen]

I shall find out!! I SHALLL!!!!!

[pigpen]

UPDATE!

So, for whatever reason Virgin Mobile decided to pay for a month of service for me, since I was pretty much done with them and cell phones altogether..
BUT, I used this opportunity to then ask around for her number and text her.. I told her that while I didn't intentionally turn my damn phone back on, I did make sure to have her be the first person I texted with it.. To which she replied "You're a doll, i've been so busy with clinicals that I've not been able to be on FB"

Seems like it's working out!!!

[Magtig]

Time for a serious relationship talk. Things could go any number of ways. Yikes.

[dominik]

Time for a serious relationship talk. Things could go any number of ways. Yikes.

Good luck!

[Magtig]

Thanks, I'm nervous as hell. I care deeply about my girlfriend, but at this point I feel like we're more friends with benefits than in a romantic relationship. On paper everything about this should be rockin, but there's what should be and then there's real life. I'm just not feeling the sparks, so I have to tell her where I'm at tonight and hope that she's feeling some of the same things. Despite things getting a bit too routine in the romance department I've realized that she's my best friend and I care deeply about her.

I feel like there's something wrong with me for not being more on board. We have great sex, and I always enjoy her company, but when she's gone I feel apprehensive about hanging out with her again. Then when I do, I enjoy it. I'm so fucking confused right now.

[dominik]

We have great sex, and I always enjoy her company, but when she's gone I feel apprehensive about hanging out with her again. Then when I do, I enjoy it. I'm so fucking confused right now.

That's maybe a sign that you're not really in love with her. But why did you decide to change this situation?
And how did it go?

[AgentofChaos]

Didn't we go through this like 4 pages ago Magtig? You couldn't take my advice then, maybe you can take it now; do the right thing and let her go.

[Magtig]

Yeah, this came up five months ago, but there are other factors at play (although some are a retread). This stuff is also coming up because she is probably going to get a job offer in Texas, and she's planning on taking it. Two days ago (when I posted above) I told her all the same things I've said here. We had a good, honest talk. I also told her I needed more space. I don't think that has anything to do with her; I'm like that with everyone. I like going off to the desert alone and camping and being my weirdest self for days or weeks on end.

I think a little extra space will also help clarify my own feelings. For instance, if I find it a relief to be away from her that will be a pretty clear indication. On the other hand, if I miss her that will also be pretty clear. The thing is, once we really started talking about her leaving for Texas and that very real possibility sunk in, imagining my life without her made me very emotional. I'm going to miss her like crazy if she goes. Maybe my feelings are just buried under many layers of anxiety and it takes something like this to get to them, but I've never felt as close to her as I do right now. That alone has helped clarify quite a bit for me.

There is also the open relationship aspect of all this. We have an open relationship arrangement right now, but we agreed that if she left we would both date other people (something neither of us have done very seriously during this relationship). At this point I figure if she leaves we'll get a chance to meet up in other parts of the country and have awesome adventures every now and again, but we'll probably also have something else going on. If our paths cross later on down the line (if she moved back in several years, for example), I would be open to exploring a closer relationship at that point as well.

I've thought a lot today about what you've been saying, Agent of Chaos. I went back and reread all the old posts. You're very persuasive in a way because you've defined the world so clearly for yourself. In choosing a definition of what love is you have a prescribed methodology that's fairly black and white, and while that makes decision making easy, I know that the world is a million shades of grey. I think it's a little bit naive, is what I'm saying. You carved out a (somewhat) narrow definition of what love is to you and you've found it (which is great!), but I also have to remember that from what you were saying you have never had your heart broken. Therein lies the rub. My purview of love and relationships, as loaded with battle scars as it is, strongly cautions against taking admonishments and advice from someone who has never had their heart broken. Hell, I'm apprehensive about listening to people who have had their heart broken only once (they tend to be too bitter). That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong, but I think you might be. At the very least the situation seems more dynamic than your assessment of it. I will say this though, if I really didn't have any love for her it would be the right thing to do to let her go (presumably so she could find that very thing in someone else), but I do. Outside of my family she's the most important person in my life.

At this point in time I feel good about it; my conscience is clear. I feel like I've gained quite a bit more clarity since talking with her and that both our relationship and friendship bonds are stronger than ever. I have no idea what twists and turns the future may hold, but this is where things are at right now. One step at a time.

[AgentofChaos]

Hey man I never once suggested you didn't love her. In fact, the exact opposite. But If you love someone, you set them free, right?

I have in fact had my heart broken many times. I have not however, been severely betrayed in a way that cut so deep that it truly fucked me up for an extended period/permanently i.e been cheated on, lies upon lies, stolen from, etc. So no, I don't have the scars that others here do. But doesn't the saying go its best way to love is as if you've never had your heart broken before?

I appreciate your situation is very different, and only you know what you know. I am also slightly out of my element in this open relationship aspect. I have been in a few, but unlike yourself not where I would say I loved them or cared about them deeply. That to me is all kinds of fucked up (not judging, just hard to wrap my head around as it kind of defeats the purpose? Unless you are talking about people who have been together or married for years, then that's a completely different analogy.) Yet in your case, both of you love each other, but neither is willing to commit fully to the other person, and only the two of you truly know why that's the case. Obviously I am left to merely speculate.

I can only tell you that in my case, I commit to a person first, and only then do I get to find out about love and how I've chosen to define it. I don't know how it could come before that commitment. I make a leap of faith, then hopefully (but not always) I get rewarded. Now I don't mean marriage or anything that grave - simply a mutually agreed upon declaration between two people that we stand together vs the world from this point until we decide otherwise. Once you stand together long enough, you can only then ultimately figure out if this is the person you will want be in love with for years to come.

I am thus forced to suspect, given my understanding of humanity, that at the end of the day, you've been with her long enough now that you would have made a commitment to this girl larger than an offer of an open relationship, if you really felt passionately about being with her. It's clear from the summation of your posts in this thread, that while you have some feelings for her, they are not the right type of feelings you desire in order to feel complete in your relationship. You think you are doing her a favour doing your due diligence to check whether these feelings are hidden deep down, when really, you are just wasting more and more of her time as you figure your shit out, while she gets older and less valuable on the open market. But that is also presupposing she wants more from you than she's getting. It's entirely plausible that she doesn't want a committed relationship with you either. Maybe she feels the same way you do; each of you with one foot in, one foot out of the relationship, with simply the unspoken understanding that you both enjoy each others company and have enough of the other tangibles in common that if neither of you can find their "soulmate" by x amount of time, you could do a lot worse than settling for each other. Nothing wrong with that, but if that's the case, come to terms with it and own it.

I'm not looking to argue with you, nor do I mean to trivialize your situation by breaking it down to it's most base level. Just calling it like I see it. And If I'm wrong, don't respond to this post to "fight" with me, telling me all the reasons why I don't understand your relationship.

Fight for her. She fuckin deserves it.

[Magtig]

I am also slightly out of my element in this open relationship aspect. I have been in a few, but unlike yourself not where I would say I loved them or cared about them deeply. That to me is all kinds of fucked up (not judging, just hard to wrap my head around as it kind of defeats the purpose?
...
I am thus forced to suspect, given my understanding of humanity, that at the end of the day, you've been with her long enough now that you would have made a commitment to this girl larger than an offer of an open relationship, if you really felt passionately about being with her.

There's quite a bit to unpack in your post, but it's actually kind of reassuring to me. Now I understand how little you understand me, or relationship configurations outside the norm. I'm not saying that to be inflammatory or because I'm angry, I'm not, I'm saying it because it doesn't appear to be obvious to you.

Given your view point I can hardly expect you to accept what I say about my relationship as valid, but I'll give it a go anyway. For the record, I'm not really trying to argue either; I'm trying to explain. The assumption that an open relationship is less than a closed one is not correct. The assumption that the commitment levels are less is incorrect as well. The assumption that one or both of us have one foot in the door and one out purely on the basis of our relationship configuration is also incorrect, as is the assumption that people in open relationships are really monogamists in waiting after they locate the right person. These things might be true for you and your outlook on life and relationships, but they aren't true for everyone. They're not true for me. The bonds are just as strong, the feelings are just as strong, and the commitments are just as strong. Sure, open relationships are different, and they're not for you as an individual, but they're not less than monogamous ones. They're just a different life style.

At a certain point I decided to be who I was and stop trying to have closed relationships. Not because I was having problems with cheating or anything like that, but because it's just who I am; it was a more honest way for me to live my life. I began telling the women I was dating up front that I simply didn't believe in monogamy ideologically. Eventually, I started to attract partners who felt the same way. I did this exact thing with my current girlfriend long before we committed to each other as primary partners.

You think you are doing her a favour doing your due diligence to check whether these feelings are hidden deep down, when really, you are just wasting more and more of her time as you figure your shit out, while she gets older and less valuable on the open market.

I really don't think of women as objects that belong on a market, or that lose value as they get older. Or men for that matter.

It's entirely plausible that she doesn't want a committed relationship with you either. Maybe she feels the same way you do; each of you with one foot in, one foot out of the relationship, with simply the unspoken understanding that you both enjoy each others company and have enough of the other tangibles in common that if neither of you can find their "soulmate" by x amount of time, you could do a lot worse than settling for each other. Nothing wrong with that, but if that's the case, come to terms with it and own it.

I find the whole idea of searching for a soulmate to be a really hollow and narcissistic pursuit. It's inextricably intertwined with the western binary of success vs failure which, when applied to love and relationships, almost always means you lose, especially in the long term. I'm not saying people don't find their soulmates, although I'd argue that those who do tend to do it without meaning to, I'm saying that I don't think about relationships in these terms ("success" vs "failure," quick! find your "soulmate"... is she under the rug? behind the drapes? hiding in your best friend? etc) anymore. I think about them more in terms of coming to know a person who enriches your life and vice versa. I once heard a wise person say that happiness is not something that you can pursue, but rather something that ensues as a result of a life well lived. I think you could pretty easily replace 'happiness' with 'a soulmate' in that sentence and it would be just as valid.

Fight for her. She fuckin deserves it.

This is a perfect example of how your outlook is a bit myopic, it presupposes that I haven't been doing exactly this just because I'm in an open relationship.

Anyway, we've probably both belabored this enough, but what I'm hoping you go away with is at least the possibility in your mind that different lifestyles are just different, not necessarily less.

[allegro]

This stuff is also coming up because she is probably going to get a job offer in Texas, and she's planning on taking it.

Ah, that explains a lot! Maybe you're apprehensive about being with her again when you're not with her because you're already protecting yourself and separating yourself early so you can ease the discomfort of separation? Maybe even subconsciously?

I was in a friends with benefits thing with somebody who gave me fair advance "notice" that he was interested in a "more serious" relationship (in which I was clearly NOT interested) and that he would be dating other females (but we could continue our relationship until that point, if I was so inclined). I thought I didn't give a rat's ass and said go ahead but it kinda bothered me a little when I saw him out with other girls, and I went from hanging with him [and sleeping with him] all the time to rarely seeing or hearing from him (he was apparently dating really needy girls). I chalked it off as senseless emotion and didn't say anything. Upon reflection, I realized it was because I no longer had him around as my pal and constant companion. And i was kinda lonely, so i took that as a cue to fill that void with new friends and activities. But, that period was kinda rough at first because of the transition, until I analyzed why and made the necessary adjustment [i made new friends to fill the companionship void left by him]. Point being: my initial interpretation of my reaction was wrong, and some time and space gave me clarity.

Anyway, just because your relationship isn't conventional by Western standards doesn't mean you don't have feelings and attachments, right? But, yeah, extra space probably will clarify your feelings.

"Feelings" is why I see "the lifestyle" fall apart sometimes; I mean, it's logical in accordance with biological definitions, but those pesky emotions sometimes get in the way (emotions, of course, not being logical).

[Magtig]

I don't know, maybe. Generally speaking I don't miss people all that much. I mean, I do, but it's probably a lot less than average. I'm happy to run into old friends, and it's good to see my family every now and again, but when they're not around I don't really pine for their company. It's just the way I am. I have no idea if I'm answering the first question here.

As far as the second question, I definitely have feelings and attachments. Emotions and jealousy play a major role in many relationships whether traditional or non-traditional. It's just how it goes, especially if people are poly. I have two friends who are madly in love with each other and they have an orgy every other week at their house. They just got married after nine (!!!) years in a relationship together and they seem deliriously happy. Oh, and by the way they're also in love with another couple down the street. Point is, you're probably better off being with people who not only accept you as you are in terms of lifestyle, they are also part of that same thing. But lifestyle will never cancel out relationship issues and emotional conflict.

[icklekitty]

How far is Texas from you?

I think the idea to still stay in the same sort of relationship zone with each other while still seeing other people is a good one (I'm currently trying to find something more local as each of my partners live out of the city and we only get to see each other about once a month; I still like them as much but I need...something local). In this regard, your relationship shouldn't change at all.

What you do need to look at (in isolation to all of the above) is what sort of feelings you have for her. Is it beyond a really good friend that you find attractive? Do you think about the future with her? Are you happy to not see her for three months and then have a really intense weekend? Will you feel lack in between or a burden during? Essentially, does the "girlfriend" label still apply and what does that word even mean to you?

[littlemonkey613]

Has anyone on here never been in a monogamous relationship? I don't think I'm capable of monogamy in my life (something I quite like about myself) and I've been looking for words of advice in terms of how to navigate in terms of constantly having to explain myself to people I love, like and just want to fool around with. It's already really annoying and I'm still a youngin'.

[botley]

Just say upfront "I have no interest in sexual exclusivity" and proceed from there. What are you constantly having to explain?

[Leman Russ]

Just say upfront "I have no interest in sexual exclusivity" and proceed from there. What are you constantly having to explain?

My guess is that monkey has to constantly explain and re-explain this very simple fact. Most people hear someone say "I have no interest in sexual exclusivity" and think "But I'll be different. They'll want to be exclusive with me.", or "He's just kidding around because he's scared to commit", or "I didn't think you were serious". People generally hear these things and imagine the person speaking them is not being serious.

[jessamineny]

I like how you assume littlemonkey is a man