Bite me
I don't think your anxiety is unfounded. You may be mentally jumping ahead a bunch of steps to the future where you're together all the time and she's pounding liquor and having fun and you're ... not. She's there, you're here, you're each living the lives you have at this moment.
Stay in the now. (Like meditation teaches us.)
Focus on your own tasks at hand?
Last edited by allegro; 02-22-2013 at 10:12 PM.
Active Member
Yeah that's EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Got a text at 2 am that she was home, safe, etc and she had a GREAT time out. I feel sometimes I project how I would drink (aka NOT being sober enough to text back at 2 am) on to her. Everything was/is fine and she had a great time. Just cuz I'm stuck in the house on a Friday night, unable to drive and having to do school work doesn't mean she should be miserable.
Meditating helps out a lot, along with having read a couple of books on mindfulness (identifying and observing thoughts and feelings vs. running with them) and things like this help with that practice. Plus, I got a solid 8 hours of sleep last night, which helped a ton with today (being a bit hectic/frenzied).
Anyway, thanks for listeningI <3 ETS.
.com
Earlier today she sent me a couple text messages out of the blue, asking how my weekend was going and mentioning places we should add to our list of places to visit together. I'm just going to say that I got pretty fucking smiley about it all and blah blah blah. Really basic but good times. It does seem like she's as interested in me as I am in her. Love it.
Bite me
glad to hear it.
Active Member
Yay for me! I'm still not over the last one, but the girl at the grocery store that I keep seeing every week asked for my name and what I do for a living. So I asked her if she's up for a drink sometime after work and she seemed very flattered. Oh, and it felt pretty fucking great to have caught her attention without asking for it!
She may not be the person I'm looking for and I don't know if I'm ready yet to see someone else, but she seems really nice and overall good company. Even if it stays at a few drinks at the bar only, I guess I should be open about it. No expectations and no worries.
Active Member
If I ever get married again, I'm getting a pre-nup. Actually, I can't think of getting married again, but if I move in with anyone again, I'm getting a pre-move-in.
Throbbing Member
Yes, this! I can't disagree with this any less.Originally Posted by Dra508
Active Member
It's been a weird couple of years for me, I've been "single" since late 2009 and haven't really clicked with anyone in a serious relationship sense. Not that it's entirely a big deal, but I guess I'm someone that usually likes to be that relationshipy kind of person. In 2009, I had a horrible break up with this girl I was seeing for two years. She had just moved out of her parents house and was living in the city in an apartment about a half hour away from me...she normally lived about seven minutes away from my house. It was also a weird time cause I was just starting my time at my new college going for my BA. I wasn't dealing with all the new changes that great and one thing lead to another and we ended up splitting. Our relationship was one of those that could be incredibly great...but really shitty other moments. I deal with horrible anxiety and was constant off and on my medicine, she was incredibly jealous at times and could be very controlling....it just was one of those things that just ended. We had already split a year before for about a month because of a similar situation. I took the break up pretty bad and although was spending as much time with friends as I could, I felt like a wreck inside. You know the feeling...you make someone your everything for so long that when it's gone, it just feels...kind of empty.
Anyway, she got with someone else about a month later after our split and that crushed me. We would kind of keep in contact here and there but it would mostly end with us getting upset or me still wondering (sometimes begging) why we weren't still together and trying to work it out.
I've met people since then, gone out with people, "dated" some people, slept with different people...but it's still crazy how much I think about her from time to time. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did a few years back since time "kind of" healed that wound...but sometimes I really wonder if I'll ever meet someone like that again that gave me that spark I had never had before. I'll always rememer the times she went with me to both Nine Inch Nails shows in 2008 and 2009 and was completely cool with my nerdom for certain things like the Nolan Batman films and music in general. Plus, I was insanely attracted to her. She was one of those, tan-blonde girls that I never thought I'd end up with. Not that looks are everything of course, but she was also super geeky in her own right, had an amazing sense of humor...and was my best friend.
When one of my dogs passed away sadly last fall, I got in touch with her because we got Gabby whenever I was dating her and she watched Gabby grow up. My ex has since married and part of me feels kind of bad (and horribly glad in a guilty mean way) that her husband is always out of town for work and she seems like the bored housewife now. We talked about how it just didn't work out between us but that we changed each other's lives because of how much we did love each other. Sadly because of that, I don't know if I could ever just be okay with the two of us at a "friendship" level cause in my heart I know I'd always want more from her. This ended up being a long rant, so sorry bout all this...it felt good to finally get this off my chest.
Last edited by thefragile_jake; 03-02-2013 at 04:45 PM.
Active Member
I guess you kind of have the right attitude at the moment, Thaned, in that you've identified it and aren't just ploughing through with your penis. Tell her about it, I guess.
-----
I continue to be amazed at how healthy and positive my current primary relationship is. While it's revealing how fully emotionally stunted I've been, being in a place where it's safe to be honest is really liberating and I'm learning so much every day. I kind of feel bad for him being lumbered with someone that was born yesterday when it comes to love, but I'm hoping cat pictures helps to make up for it!
Active Member
I would say live your life, focus on everything else in your life, friends, family, career, the things you like, and don't try to be friends with an ex you still have feelings for. If it happens once you're over her more fully, so be it: if not, no biggie. The more you fixate on her, the harder it will be to let someone else into your life. Cold turkey has worked best for me in the past: contact just prolonged the agony.
Have you tried masturbation before hanging out with her? Might take the edge off things.
BACKROLLS?!
My last boyfriend hated cats. He had to go.
Active Member
Oh you're completely right, contact made it incredibly worse. I mean, we're going on almost four years of being away from each other so it's one of those things I just eventually need to suck up, get over and officially move on. It's just crazy how little things can make your mind wander. Even being on ETS for crying out loud reminds me of awhile back.
I now kind of enjoy my down time and me time for the most part, a few years back it would drive me nuts since even though I would have this time...I never had to worry about anything I would or wouldn't be doing since she was a part of my life. We always tried to spend time together. Life, whether we want it to or not, moves on and it's just something I need to always make sure I keep telling myself. Thanks though!
Administrator
I could be wrong, but I interpreted that completely differently.
Throbbing Member
Anybody here use OKCupid? Any good results? I'm getting my feet wet atm and after a minor setback might be having drinks with a guy (who is seemingly way out of my league) before the weekend.
The Enhancer
Meh, I've used it, been on a few dates, nothing's come of it. Not to try to keep you from using it, though... Friend of mine met her BF on either it or Plenty of Fish, and they've been living together for a year or so now.
Active Member
So, I was talking with my GF last night and we brought up the idea of me going down to visit her in Orlando. I really want to get the fuck out of Buffalo for a while, and was thinking that next week would be the perfect time for me to go and visit, since I'll be on spring break and we will only have like 2 (maybe 4-6 people, depending on how the men's conference swim meet goes) athletes that will need coaching. We discussed me flying down for a long weekend this coming weekend, but she's doing a diabetes walk on Saturday (her bro has type 1), which I'd like to go to do with her. Also, she is planning on moving on Sunday. I repeatedly told her that I could help, and would like to help, but she said "no, it's fine. I don't want you to have to do that." Anyway, we discussed the following weekend and she said she's going to be way too busy that weekend because she has a huge exam to study for, which I totally understand.
Basically, I'm in a mental deadlock. Part of me is like "she's busy - don't fucking worry about it; there's plenty of other weekends" and the other part of me is saying "the fuck is she trying to hide from me?!" Part of the rationale for the latter is that she also told me that her good friend from home is coming to visit this weekend and, from what I understand, they're planning a "drunk Disney" day. The other part of the crazy rationale is that she repeatedly said "well, I can always come up there and visit".
Ugh. Distance sucks.
Active Member
When was the last time you went down there?
My long distance man surprised me with an importune visit on Tuesday, left today. Literally called me Monday night and said "opps my priceline bid came thru - I have a 6am flight to come see you". Now, if I was hiding something or not that into him any more I could see where that might bug someone, but I'm not there - I was thrilled. Tomorrow, I fly to Chicago for a previously planned weekend of fun with him.
Active Member
I have yet to make it down there. With my schedule being as crazy as it is with coaching, graduate school work, travel + swim meets, recruiting + 7-10 hours per week for outpatient therapy/drug court (from my 2nd DWI a little under a year ago), my schedule and free time are basically all accounted for. I pretty much need to get the fuck outta my own head. I know I'm way too busy. She also tells me as much, and also has a lot less on her plate (though she also has a lot with work + graduate school). She's been up to visit 2 times (outside of holidays, as I went to see her and her family for Thanksgiving and we split Christmas/New Years). She constantly reassures me that it's fine and that she can just come up, which is honestly the easiest. I just don't want to look like I'm not putting in the effort to see her; which she constantly reminds me that is not an issue.When was the last time you went down there?
My long distance man surprised me with an importune visit on Tuesday, left today. Literally called me Monday night and said "opps my priceline bid came thru - I have a 6am flight to come see you". Now, if I was hiding something or not that into him any more I could see where that might bug someone, but I'm not there - I was thrilled. Tomorrow, I fly to Chicago for a previously planned weekend of fun with him.
Again; I need to cool it and be OK with me not being able to visit if I'm too busy. Gah.
Active Member
dude, that's not what you wrote earlier. I read that you were trying to get down to her and she wasn't having it. Is her circle down there aware of you?
You have to balance the separate lives you live with the need, the want, to be together. I would think you having a busy life actually bodes well. Consider if you were as busy and she was in the same town, she might feel neglected? Don't feel guilty for that.
Active Member
Who has a date? This guy!
Active Member
They're all totally aware of me; I've "met" her roommates via Skype, have had Snapchat convos with her best friend Kelsey and know about anyone she comes into contact with - coworkers, her advisor, etc. It did seem like she was dodging it, and I plan on asking her about it today. Still sitting wierd with me, and wish I sould have said something sooner, but oh well. I also found out that her friend and friend's mom were in town yesterday, and they all hung out in Epcot/Disney for the day and were all out for the count by 10 pm because Jaim had a big meeting with her advisor/project group this a.m.
So, I think there is a 50/50 of unclear communication and me over-reacting to half info. I have to be better at asking clarifying questions, which I do not do for fear of being too "nosey" or being thought of as "controlling".
Stubby Member
Oh my! WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!
Earlier this week I messaged a girl I've had a passing crush on for a while and we've been messaging ferociously since!
We were acquaintances in high school. I lived with my Dad and she was a French foreign exchange student who stayed at my Mom's house for 1/2 of a year. At the time, I did not maintain a good relationship with my Mom so I only met her a couple short times and really don't remember anything about then in detail, just that I thought she was pretty and quiet... and I was shy and quiet then, as well.
For the last year or so, we've been Facebook friends. Over this time, I've steadily become more enamored with her. Only on occasion before this week, we messenged, but it was flirty and fun when we did. I was even consciously NOT checking her updates, photos, etc... she lives in France, after all, and I already knew I was really liking her... why tease myself!
Well, I guess I couldn't resist any longer and I sent her a lightly sprinkled flirty message. We haven't been able to stop messenging and within a couple days, the sprinkles turned into polk-a-dots, and now a few days later it's full on and we are head-over-heels into each other.
She's extremely exhilarating! Gah! Just my luck!
Last edited by bwary; 03-08-2013 at 08:13 PM.
Active Member
There's definitely a balance there. Mine and I are currently discussing (via email) this article.
http://blog.womenshealthmag.com/scoo...-relationship/
Normally I find those sort of ten ways article pretty trite, but this one I can see some of the things I've done in the past, and some that sorta bug me now. We're just trying to be transparent without, as you said controlling or stalkish.
Active Member
So, we talked about it, and a lot of other things, yesterday. She was having a rough few days, due to stress from work and school, but would always give a "but, it's cool!" or "it's not that big of a deal" at the end of a text or message. After a while, I can notice when it becomes a big deal, and if she starts shutting down. I called her on it last night, and a major reason was that someone sent her a message about her bro who passed away a couple years ago. The message hit her hard, and was kinda the "straw that broke the camel's back", so to speak. I told her to not worry about unloading stuff like that on me, and that I would love to be a sounding board for this stuff. She agreed, and we both went to bed happy. This a.m., I bought her flowers online and had them delivered this afternoon in lieu of being able to give her a hug.
Anywho, in last night's talk, we recognized we both have a lot going on, but we're both determined to work out a way to see each other. With that being said,I just booked a flight to Baltimore to visit next weekend! She's originally from that area, and has a lady doctor's appt. Friday a.m. at home. Then, after her appointment, we're driving to her family's place at the beach in DE for the rest of the weekend. We're both flying in on Thursday, and flying out to our respective places on Monday morning. Very stoked!
God is an American
Haven't looked forward to a date this much in a looooonnnng time. A great feeling of excitement and expectation! Thank you Canadian Human Woman.
Stubby Member
My online relationship is still growing deeper at quite an unexpected but exciting pace
Through the course of our communications, we've traded a few voice messages. Although she can speak English fluently, a few days ago she chose to send one of them in French... any french speakers want to translate an audio file for me? I'm dying to know what it says, and I don't want to ask.
24.24.1.1397
That awkward moment when you thank your partner for helping you, and the text you get in reply is "fuck you".
It's so hard some times not to escalate his little hissy fits...
Throbbing Member
So, I met this beautiful older lady(39yrs old, I'm 28) at a show my band was playing in Milwaukee for St. Patricks day. I helped her find her car, and somehow we ended up making out and going back to her place...Nothing happened, she passed out, and feeling slightly awkward sitting in someone's house while they slept, I left. I did leave my number on a paper towel. I hope she texts me, I can't stop thinking about her! It's driving me fucking nuts!
Hierba Gatera
There's this guy whom I've been crazy about since I was in my early 20s. He's absolutely incredible - not only good looking but just fucking brilliant - and when we finally met in person (we'd known about each other for awhile and corresponded via mail), we totally hit it off. He was from the Bay Area and rarely came down to LA so we only hung out a few times but always wrote each other. Then I went through my "lost weekend" phase and we lost touch. However he and my BFF remained in touch during the same period and ended up having a fling (she had no clue I liked him and we were on the outs at the time anyway) but nothing serious came of it. Well, at least that's what she thought. Turns out he's carried a torch for her ever since. He contacted her via email last week to tell her he was in LA (still a rare event) and to find out if she was going to be around (she lives in Hawaii). Anyway, she told him she wasn't going to be but that I would definitely want to see him so he asked her to forward me his contact info (which just popped up in my email).
Now the dilemma...
I want to see him. I don't want to hear about his feelings for her. This is so like a John Hughes movie, it's not even funny.
Active Member
Had two amazing dates in the past weeks that went way better than what I expected! They didn't turn out to be keepers, eventhough one is shaping up to become a pretty rewarding friendship. Anyhow, they finally made me realize what I have been doing wrong for so many years and put the finger on what really deserves my attention and could lead to happiness the way it should be (for me). I've been around people that don't follow their dreams and needs way too long and thus they were stopping me to break free myself. Right now I got my head right and my self confidence up (which also shows at my office - got a raise and a new macbook just by asking for it) and I'm looking forward to meeting the person I'm looking for now knowing what I actually want and what not. And most important: not bailing out as soon as the first resistance pops up.
It's hard to find motivating people, but if you do the experience is absolutely great and I hope that one day I can do the same for other people.
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