The Relationship Thread

[ChasingTheGhost]

I'm not much of a poster here, but I guess it belongs here.

I broke up with my boyfriend last week, yet I still agreed that we could be friends. We were texting yesterday and he kept complaining how he feels so sick that he needed to throw up. I just told him to get out of work and go home. A couple hours later I got a call from his roommate saying that he got arrested for grand larceny. Suddenly it turned into a convo about his past and current drug use that I've never knew about. I was completely stressed last night from all this information, yet I feel glad I got out of the relationship as soon as I did. Not sure how that would go if I was still with him.

[Aladdinsanity]

Has he ever hooked up with anyone else while you were poly?

[playwithfire]

Has he ever hooked up with anyone else while you were poly?

Yeah, he did, though I don't think it has much to do with his feelings about it.

[Pillfred]

Yeah, he just needs to get over it. I'm drunk and never been poly but that's my take. He's butt hurt about what went down, in what I percieve to be am open arrangement ? I would say this is part of it but as I've stated I've never been. That said perhaps dude should lay low. Idk male ego is no less a bitch than a women's, probably more so.

[playwithfire]

No, what went down was pretty hurtful. Open relationship or not, there's a lot of communication and I made some hurtful decisions. Even though the idea of us hooking up bothered him under the circumstances, I took the fact that he didn't set a firm boundary as an okay to do it anyway. He totally should have set a boundary about it, but he was clearly distressed and I didn't take that into account. I dunno, it was a big giant terrible miscommunication and I behaved selfishly.

But it was a while ago and the issue is that my boyfriend is not great at getting past hurtful things, really dislikes this guy, and I have no clue as to explain HOW to get past this to him.

[frankie teardrop]

i'm not sure if you're looking for positive reinforcement for this, but it's complicated and i'm not sure you're in the right. it seems like you acknowledge that it was a bad call to hook up with this friend of yours, despite the lack of boundaries and communications. with that in mind, it's hard to be upset with your boyfriend about it, people take time to get over things that hurt them, trust needs to be re-established, etc... and since it was only april/may, it's not right to expect him to just get over something like that at a pace that's to your liking, and it sounds like you're not being supportive considering it was you that made the mistake. miscommunication is a two way street like that. maybe it's his fault for not setting firm boundaries, but you still knowingly did something hurtful, and that's the bigger deal here.

healing like that takes more time than you're accounting for, and every little interaction he sees with this other person, especially flirtatiously, is going to make it worse. this is one of those situations where you might not be able to have your cake and eat it, too. it's delicate. if you end your friendship with this other guy, you may grow to resent boyfriend for it. but if you continue a close friendship with someone you crossed a line with, your boyfriend's jealousy and insecurity will only fester and grow. long story short, which is more important to you? it's not an ultimatum necessarily, but for now, you may not be able to keep both in your life as closely as you'd like and if everything else is great with your BF, you might want to keep some distance and let him work this out on his own.

what i CAN say is that if a huge amount of time has passed and he's still throwing it in your face and being upset about it, then you can draw the line and push back, but i don't think six months is enough time to get over crossed fidelity lines by saying "too bad, tough shit, get over it," especially if you're still in constant communication with the person in question. i think you basically need to grovel a bit here.

[october_midnight]

Message ex on facebook two weeks ago.

She says "So good to hear from you, sorry I've been AWOL, have a LOT to tell you!"

So, exactly how old is your new baby?

[frankie teardrop]

So, exactly how old is your new baby?

HA!

(sorry to make light, fixer. i hope it's not that.)

[playwithfire]

i'm not sure if you're looking for positive reinforcement for this, but it's complicated and i'm not sure you're in the right. it seems like you acknowledge that it was a bad call to hook up with this friend of yours, despite the lack of boundaries and communications. with that in mind, it's hard to be upset with your boyfriend about it, people take time to get over things that hurt them, trust needs to be re-established, etc... and since it was only april/may, it's not right to expect him to just get over something like that at a pace that's to your liking, and it sounds like you're not being supportive considering it was you that made the mistake. miscommunication is a two way street like that. maybe it's his fault for not setting firm boundaries, but you still knowingly did something hurtful, and that's the bigger deal here.

If I try to explain the whole thing, it's a big complicated mess. But yeah, I acted selfishly and it was a miscommunication. If I'd known it would become what it did, I wouldn't have done it. I own that I hurt him, and I'm not wanting him to just get over that.

healing like that takes more time than you're accounting for, and every little interaction he sees with this other person, especially flirtatiously, is going to make it worse. this is one of those situations where you might not be able to have your cake and eat it, too. it's delicate. if you end your friendship with this other guy, you may grow to resent boyfriend for it. but if you continue a close friendship with someone you crossed a line with, your boyfriend's jealousy and insecurity will only fester and grow. long story short, which is more important to you? it's not an ultimatum necessarily, but for now, you may not be able to keep both in your life as closely as you'd like and if everything else is great with your BF, you might want to keep some distance and let him work this out on his own.

This guy and I aren't besties or anything. I see him less than monthly. I just value his friendship. But like... I don't think him having this much of a problem with this guy is a good thing? Or warranted? The guy is a nice person and not the super disrespectful asshole my boyfriend views him as. Like, he has perceptions that just aren't accurate. And it causes issues. And okay, but I wish we could work through this to something a bit healthier. He hates this guy because of something I did.

what i CAN say is that if a huge amount of time has passed and he's still throwing it in your face and being upset about it, then you can draw the line and push back, but i don't think six months is enough time to get over crossed fidelity lines by saying "too bad, tough shit, get over it," especially if you're still in constant communication with the person in question. i think you basically need to grovel a bit here.

I definitely haven't told him to get over it. I have told him that I wished he wanted to find a way to heal through this. And he asks me how. And I don't know what to tell him. I'm not saying he needs to get over it. Just that it seems like there's not really any progress or healing happening and it's still kinda just as bad and I don't know.

[Fixer808]

AHAHAHAHA!! Jesus, that's a terrifying thought...

[Madmya]

Just that it seems like there's not really any progress or healing happening and it's still kinda just as bad and I don't know.

There's some things guys really struggle to get over, some will never get over it, and that's their woman fucking a dude they really don't like. It's a deal breaker for me. In my head I can realise how ridiculous it is, and how it's unfair on the girl etc., but I couldn't imagine getting past it.

[playwithfire]

There's some things guys really struggle to get over, some will never get over it, and that's their woman fucking a dude they really don't like. It's a deal breaker for me. In my head I can realise how ridiculous it is, and how it's unfair on the girl etc., but I couldn't imagine getting past it.

Just as a reminder/a clarification: This was in the context of an open relationship where he knew in advance that it was probably going to happen and had the option to tell me not to and didn't. He expressed his displeasure but he could have flat out set a boundary that I couldn't do it, and I wouldn't have. I even asked him if he wanted to do that. I didn't cheat on him. And he didn't dislike him like that prior to this. I may have behaved really selfishly, but I didn't cheat on him and he knew what was happening.

[playwithfire]

But like, my boyfriend tends to have very final/drastic reactions. He got upset with/uncomfortable with a friend of ours and it took him months and months and months to get past it. And he cited that as an example of him working through something. And... no. If something bothers him, he'll go like "I'm not cool with doing this anymore." Instead of being bothered, it's like the thing is ruined. He doesn't tend to work through stuff. Not just this.

I'm in no way saying that he should get over this. I'm saying that him hating a guy who is a really good person and had no knowledge of the context of my decision to sleep with him and likes my boyfriend is something I wish he'd try to work past. I'm not saying get over what I did. I'm saying that him disliking a good friend of mine this much after all this time is kinda bad and I don't see it changing and it's problematic. And that I don't know what advice to give him to work through it, because he asked me how. I'd just like to see him at least start to try instead of taking the hate blanket and wrapping it around himself every time my friend shows up on my facebook.

[Halo Infinity]

I didn't know where else to post this, and this thread seems to be the only ideal place for such a post. I really was sorely mistaken in expecting rejections to be direct and to the point. I really kept expecting to hear and/or read something at least as obvious as this.

I didn't even think of dating you. Dating you didn't even cross my mind. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. (I wouldn't get any mixed signals from hearing or reading this, or even just being directly told that she's not interested. It wouldn't even make me all that angry and upset, as it would save a lot of time. I'd also be able to directly apologize in return, and then move on, but that's just me.)

However, I've always ended up receiving responses like this.

I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

I'm just looking for friendship.

I can only offer you my friendship.

I was always nice to you, but I never came onto you.

Stop writing me! Don't even respond! Just stop! (I didn't get this one mixed up at all, but it hurt like fucking hell at time. I've figured this was her way of telling me that she didn't even want to even become close friends with me, and I didn't even impose anything on her, but she certainly got that impression from me right after admitting that I had a crush on her. This was on Facebook, and we met in real life as workplace acquaintances before. We had some common ground, since she also liked Nine Inch Nails, as I also saw that she was a fan of Tool. However, I'd obviously understand if I really gave off that much of a creepy stalker vibe without even realizing/trying at the time.)

I also know I've brought this up before, but 2013 really was a hell of a year for me to finally get it. I also don't know how true it is, but a female acquaintance I know of outside of ETS told me that aside from trying to be nice and to not hurt the guy's feelings, it's because some men go crazy, and become violent stalkers when rejected upfront, and if they were crazy and violent stalkers beforehand, it would just make those traits even worse. She also told me that's one of the reasons as to why she doesn't just immediately say she's not interested.

I also need and want to stop telling myself that I don't deserve love from time to time. (Yeah, that's more of a "Mental Health thread" post in a way, but it's still true to both topics from the looks of it.) It's one of the things that really makes me feel good about waking up in the morning, even if it's just a daydream from time to time.

[playwithfire]

At the end of the day, pretty much all of those mean "No." I'm not a big fan of telling someone you just want to be friends when you don't, in fact, want to be friends. But that's something you kind of have to read into, which is difficult. It's not a bad idea to just back off after rejection and let them come to you. Be like "Okay, I get it. Friendship would still be great, you're cool. I don't want you to misinterpret things, so I'll let you reach out if you want to chill as friends sometime."

[Halo Infinity]

I'd like to take a moment to admit that I sometimes forget just how difficult, or even impossible it is to find a right way to say that you don't want to be close friends with somebody. Thank you for your reminders and overall reassurance. I also forgot to mention that it even came down to me asking, "Then when can we have an actual conversation? I really want to get to know you.", but even by then it was far too late after I was told to stop writing her, and it's no wonder why I looked like a very pushy and creepy stalker. What you said is exactly what I should've done, and should do the next time anything like that ever happens, so at least I'd be in amicable terms, and not run the risk of misinterpreting anything horribly wrong. I really appreciate your advice, and thank you very much once again.

[The_Prowler]

So I asked her out today, and she smiled real wide and said "it's a distinct possibility", seizure and all.

I'm keeping my fingers, toes, eyes, arms and legs crossed. But not my balls, that shit just hurts.

Never mind, nothing's going to happen with her. I haven't seen her at all since that day, and I can barely even get a hold of her to talk to her. I'm just going to have to add this to my disgustingly long "failure" list. I'm back to square zero again.

[JessicaSarahS]

Still haven't had heavy physical stuff go down, but he can kiss me without panicking, so it's a step forward!

It happened, and it was pretty awesome! Hopefully there's not much anxiety from here on out.

[theimage13]

Fingers crossed that I'm finally on to something here...if I don't blow it. Met someone who's a couple years older than me, isn't sucked into the duck face/dress like a teenager phase, doesn't want kids, likes really stupid jokes, and thought Cards Against Humanity was the greatest game they'd ever seen when I introduced them to it.

For the love of god, please let this amount to something.

[allegro]

Fingers crossed that I'm finally on to something here...if I don't blow it. Met someone who's a couple years older than me, isn't sucked into the duck face/dress like a teenager phase, doesn't want kids, likes really stupid jokes, and thought Cards Against Humanity was the greatest game they'd ever seen when I introduced them to it.

For the love of god, please let this amount to something.

Whoa, dude, I'm crossing my fingers for you on this one!! Relax!! Don't try too hard!

[The_Prowler]

Bummer man, well at least you tried and that's better than nothing.

True. I managed to ask out someone else last week, too, but she said no. At least I asked and got a definite answer instead of accepting a line that led me on with false hopes for weeks.

[theimage13]

So second date went - and ended - well.

Until a few hours later, when the words "friend vibe" appeared on my phone.

Fuck fuckity fuckfuck.

But then I get a message from someone else, who is gorgeous, super caring, and fine with my current travel-packed lifestyle.
Except she's uber-religious and wants lots of kids.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

[Louie_Cypher]

^^^ Uber-Religious, want's lots of kids, sounds like a "put a ring on it" girl. With your current lifestyle I am going to pipe-in and say Do not seek the Treasure.
-Louie

[frankie teardrop]

Until a few hours later, when the words "friend vibe" appeared on my phone.

she literally texted you with the words "friend vibe" -- ???

[theimage13]

As part of a longer message, yes.

[cahernandez]

I found this article, it's quite interesting (watch the video): http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/10/op...ngle.html?_r=0

Make sure you read the NYT Comments' Picks, they are very insightful. I liked this comment from that article (emphasis on my part -in the Live at Folsom prison album, Johnny Cash says before performing 'Egg Sucking Dog' something along the lines of "the only thing a man has is his dog"...I think I should get a dog!-):
Marriage is an enigma. In the US, 51% end in divorce. That is how many were miserable enough to end. Of the 49% left, presumably a good number are not happy, maybe at best "blah", and so on. I was once curious about this, so I asked a number of people who were married or had been at one time how many marriages they believed were actually happy ones. The number averaged out to 10%. 10% of all marriages turn out to be consistently happy ones, and it's married people asking single people why they're not married? That's why.

If another poll were to be done, how many married people would envy this woman for what looks to be a very interesting and even exciting, fulfilling life? I'm single, and the only thing that makes it hard is how I'm treated by others. I'm often treated more like a child by my peers. Couples tend to not invite single people to dinner parties and the like. Children, though, think I'm totally awesome. It's funny that way.

But a husband and father of four, who adores his family, once sighed when I was talking to him about how I make my living and how my life unfolds, and, looking somewhat forlorn, I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "It sounds so nice, the freedom."

Married people romanticize being single, and single people romanticize marriage. Both have benefits and challenges.

The answer to everything, though, is to get a dog. They resolve most dilemmas of both marriage and being single. They're the magic bullet.

[halloween]

I have a dog, it does not feel the same at all as I imagine having a child would be though. I work with young children and feel an affection for some of them that feels way more maternal than what I feel for my dog and cat. It might have been not a completely serious comment but I really don't think it works that way...

Edit. I may just be an abnormal pet owner since I don't have conversations with my pets as it appears some people do (from what I've seen from internet comments about owning pets).

[Fixer808]

uber-religious and wants lots of kids.

Deal-breaker. Run for your fuckin' life.

[Dra508]

Deal-breaker. Run for your fuckin' life.

I sort of agree. A friend of mine got tied up with a wife that only believed in natural family planning and now he's afraid to have intercourse.

[Fixer808]

Ugh, that sounds horrid... And I was talking from my own perspective. I dunno if theimage wants to actually tread those shores (do you? guess I can just ask), but as for ME, hyper-Jesus baby-machines are OUT! I don't want A child, let alone many, and the religious thing is a no-go.