Is there a place you can stay for the night? I don't want you to be alone tonight.
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Is there a place you can stay for the night? I don't want you to be alone tonight.
Active Member
Oh my god that's so sweet. Seriously, thank you. I appreciate it a lot, it's really great to see people be this kind especially on the internet.
No, there isn't, but I'll be fine I guess. I'm just waiting to be tired enough that I know as soon as I hit the bed I'll pass out, right now i still feel so wired that I know I'd end up laying there. It's just a really, really confusing situation; none of this makes any sense to me. I honestly feel like the emotional blow of it is getting really delayed just because it seems so ridiculous, I keep feeling like it's some incredibly weird dream that I'm going to wake up from.
Seriously thanks again, talking on here has been a really good outlet otherwise I know I'd be going crazy trying to think of things in my own head, being able to write it out and see it in front of me is really helpful.
Bite me
I know this sounds kinda nutty but try not to think about it any more, tonight; you can think about it tomorrow. Clear your mind as much as possible tonight, relax, close your eyes, tell yourself (repeatedly) that you'll deal with this again tomorrow but tonight you need rest. See if you can get some rest. And for the love of God DON'T DRINK ANY ALCOHOL.
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Ok, if you are gonna stay at home for the night, please keep in touch here or with a friend. I'm worried!!!!
Active Member
Well I tried sleeping/relaxing and it didn't work, I just found myself wide awake again thinking about things. It's really hard to clear your mind when you're in the dark with your eyes shut I guess. I managed to text her to ask why there was a police officer, and she confirmed it was that she was worried I'd hurt myself, which is really encouraging to know.
Basically I'm just listening to Smashing Pumpkins and trying to calm myself down (it might seem bad for the situation but honestly the song Soma is working wonders for my nerves); I'm not angry or impulsive, just still really emotional. Sorry if I've been clogging the thread with the stuff.
@Charmingly Miserable : really, thanks a ton for the support. No need to worry.
Bite me
Smashing Pumpkins, that's actually a great idea.Originally Posted by kleiner352
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
The end of long term relationships are the fucking worst.
There isn't much to say that doesn't sound like a cliché.
I hope that everything works out for you - no matter what that might include.
Active Member
Good luck kleiner. Soon you will move beyond this, hopefully at some point in the near future into a relationship that works and is much more fulfilling to you.
This can be a very productive and enlightening time for you, in terms of self-knowledge and development. Rediscover yourself. Do stuff you have wanted to do but haven't yet. As others have said, embrace friends and family. Allow yourself to grieve but remember to stay active. Above all: patience patience patience. And more patience. This is not going away in a hurry.
Active Member
Thanks again everybody. I really appreciate the care/concern/advice.
@liquidcalm : I read your posts and oh my god, man. I'm so sorry. That's got to be a lot harder than this is for me; I can't imagine it having been that long and then everything going away. I hope things are improving for you, sincerely.
It's really difficult to rely on friends for me, as I really only had two close ones, and now the closest one is the reason this is happening. As for family aside from my mom I really don't talk to anyone in it, my father was fairly abusive and basically his entire side of the family tree is cut off from me. I'm hoping my other friend can come over later today just so I don't have to be alone here for the rest of it.
She talked to me last night far later after things had happened and basically just reaffirmed everything and told me to stop being so childish, which is always an encouraging piece of advice.
If I can ask for some advice here, from anyone who had lived with someone for a while and then had them leave, how do you manage to get over all the little reminders? Does your home start feeling more like yours and less like "ours," or does that not really fade? Is there anything I can do to make it easier?
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
Both times, I was the one to move out. I honestly think that remaining in the same place would be incredibly difficult.
My mom got divorced a few years back and kept the house... She now lived in it with her new husband. So, some people can get over it, I suppose.
Active Member
I kicked my ex husband out, so I'm not sure. I was done with him and so all the things that I had with him, he took. I still have my wedding ring but I'm gonna give that to my daughter when she is older.
I'm officially depressed. I hate being single. I'm here at work and I'm trying hard to keep it together. ;( ;(
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
Fear of having to go through breaking up is what causes me to keep a certain amount of emotional distance while dating people. To the point of self-sabotaging at times, I think.
Active Member
My ex left the place we'd lived in for two years. I had to move: I couldn't afford the whole rent, it was a railroad apartment so getting a roommate would have been problematic; mainly I didn't want to be in that apartment (or neighborhood) anymore, it was too painful. But a friend of mine, who's lived in the same place for like 20 years, was puzzled I felt the need to leave. I guess everyone has their own approach.
Active Member
This is finally starting to set in and it's just so much for me. I keep wanting to talk to my best friend about it because they always have been able to help me but she was my best friend. I'm just not really sure how to handle this; I really appreciate all of the responses from all of you and I have friends around at the moment but it isn't doing anything to distract me; I've been watching movies with a friend of mine and I keep naturally thinking of things I want to say to my now ex, just tiny simple things, it's like my brain hasn't realized I can't share anything with her anymore. I'm sorry I've been posting so much in this thread about this one thing, I know a lot of you have gone through far worse, but I just really need a place to say something without people in my life monitoring or judging me for it.
Alt-Left Leaning Cunt
@kleiner352 No need to apologize! I am pretty new here as well. But the core group of people here are awesome and welcoming, as long as you're not bill.
Rant away. It is good to get shit out when going through rough times. And sometimes, some anonymity helps express things.
Active Member
That is what we are here for!
The Enhancer
Recent excellent development. Shan't go into it too much for now, but needless to say I'm rather pleased at the moment. More later.
Active Member
So I got to talk with her more and while it's absolutely certain that we're over, nevertheless I got a lot of the answers/sense of closure that I needed to hear from her. The initial breakup was so dizzying and left a lot unanswered, and at the very least she gave me that. I won't get into specifics but right now I'm just feeling very glad that she and I knew each other in the first place; I may be heartbroken for a while but if she was truly unhappy then I'd rather suffer and know she can progress with her life than be happy but be holding her back. I was very lucky to have her in my life when I did and she was an amazing person in my life, I'm just sad that it had to end. I'm not bitter/mad at her at all and I'm glad because I wouldn't be able to handle that along with this.
Throbbing Member
So I met this lovely girl on a dating site about two weeks ago, and we're having our first date tomorrow. As nervous as I am, this is actually the least nervous I've ever been before a first date. We've been talking on the phone, and she's very easy to talk to, and her voice brings a smile to my face every time I hear it. Even when we were still exchanging messages online, I felt incredibly comfortable talking to her. I fully admit that I did a little Happy Dance when she agreed to meet. Wish me luck!
This is not meant to undermine anything that's been going on with Kleiner, at all. I actually know very well how you feel. There was a time (my girlfriend said she needed a little time on her own, but that we would definitely get back together. She said we were soul mates, and then decided to cut me out of her life without warning or explanation) when I literally did not care if I didn't wake up the next day. One day I was having a diabetic seizure (one of the worst I've ever had), and I was perfectly content to let myself just lay there and die, if that's what it came to. It took years to finally be able to even consider the possibility of trying to date again, but I eventually got there. Have I had any real luck with a meaningful relationship since then? Not yet, but at least I'm trying.
And at least you know you have friends here who are always willing to talk and help whenever they can, and even though I don't know you, I'd like to include myself on that list if possible. *Bro hugs*
Active Member
A) The Happy Dance thing is adorable
B) Don't worry about it at all, I definitely don't want to make anyone here feel like they have to worry about expressing joy over these things, I think it's wonderful to see that you can move past these things, you can feel excited for someone again, etc.
C) Consider yourself added to the list; I'm gonna have to start keeping Excel spreadsheets at the rate everyone here has warmed up to me.
D) Best of luck with it, man!
Throbbing Member
I haven't done a happy dance over a girl in a long time, I'll tell you that.
The spreadsheet sounds like it might be a good idea, man. I know I'm not alone when I say that we want all our fellow Ninnies to be as happy and emotionally healthy as possible. At least you know you have friends here
And thanks for your well wishes! I'm really hoping she enjoys my physical company as much as she seems to enjoy talking on the phone. Yes, I actually managed to find someone who prefers talking to texting!
As for you, I really hope that you have an easier time than I did getting over this girl. Obviously it just wasn't supposed to be where you ended up. But don't worry, if I can find someone interested in me, I have no doubt that you'll find someone who truly loves you for everything that you are.
Active Member
I was playing "Make It or Break It" with some coworkers after work yesterday, SO FUN. Basically the idea is that this hypothetical person is your soulmate, but they have ONE weird quality, such as farting purple glitter. Make it or break it?
So, thinking about that. What are some of your actual make it or break its?
I've realized one of mine is that I wouldn't be comfortable getting close to someone who didn't identify as a feminist/took issue with the word.
she/her/hers
first of all, farting purple glitter would be nothing but a plus in my book. that sounds AWESOME. i wish all of my bodily secretions involved glitter, because then i'd feel less gross about them.
for me, the biggest "break it" would be someone not accepting me for who i am. and i'm not talking about changing and evolving naturally in a relationship together or weeding out learned behaviors or habits that are bad, i'm talking about, for example, how my ex basically tried to remove all of the feminine aspects of my personality, was totally in denial about my trans- and queer-ness, and even went so far as to demand my silence during sex, because my moans were too "girly" (which sarah, my fiancee LOVES).
but i guess a less serious one (because apparently i'm an asshat and missed the part where you said "weird" quality) is that i could never be with someone who doesn't recycle. it pisses me off to no end when people throw recycling in the garbage. o.O
Active Member
Recycling is a good one.
For me, a break it moment would be if he can't spell. Maybe I'm coming off as a bitch about it but that shit bothers me.
The Enhancer
Eeeeeeeeeeee. She's on her way!
Active Member
So recently I realized that if I didn't cut off contact with my ex (who was, not to get too negative/personal here, but nevertheless, seemingly going out of her way to make things worse for me, regularly contacting me just to tell me upsetting things, telling me it wasn't fair whenever I'd try to discuss our breakup, etc., in general just being amazingly inconsiderate while calling me just that and seemingly projecting everything she's doing right back onto me; mutual acquaintances have even told me they're getting irritated at her because she doesn't seem remotely different or upset at all and seems to have moved on a long time ago, and regularly says I have no reason to be upset), it would just make things significantly worse. As much as I really want my best friend in my life I think I'm starting to understand that she doesn't want to be my best friend anymore, and I can't care about someone who doesn't care about me, if that makes sense. I guess that's selfish to say but hey, after so long of trying for someone else I think I kind of deserve a certain amount of selfishness. She, after having said she just didn't think she could handle relationships for a long time and that was the real reason she left, suddenly seven days later claimed she is dating someone else and told them she loves them. It's the most amazingly childish thing I've ever seen someone I honestly respected and considered an intelligent, wonderful person do, and it really made me stop giving a shit completely, because either she's trying to hurt me or she's just that, I don't know, crazy as a person. I'm just not going to keep hurting myself by involving myself with someone who so clearly doesn't care how many destructive or hurtful things they do to those around them, regardless of how harsh or impersonal it may seem. I have enough to deal with on my own (anyone who has seen my updates in the mental health thread knows what I mean to a degree), I can't let someone else drag me further down when they have no intention of helping me back up.
Everyone I've spoken to in person has tried to tell me that I should just be happy being alone and find comfort in being by myself, etc., etc., and that I don't need to have someone who makes me feel like I'm not completely alone to be happy, and while I know there's truth to that it really feels like anyone I've spoken to doesn't understand that when you spend years feeling connected to someone it becomes normal and a part of your life at all times, you never feel alone and there's such a strength we all get as human beings from truly feeling like we're not isolated as people. Going back to that sense of total isolation, with no one to really turn to, no real friends to talk to, no one to hang out with or waste time with, no one to share all of the things I love with, it's like going from one extreme temperature to another. I know there's nothing anyone can really say to make that go away, and I know people that've told me those things are just trying to be helpful, but it's almost the opposite because it seems to belittle or ignore how this can really feel.
There's this one girl I've known for about seven years now who I've been talking to constantly since this happened, and considering she's someone who I've never gotten along with and who has never really been friendly to me at all, it's incredibly confusing how much she seems to suddenly care about me, but it's a nice feeling. I don't really know what it is or what it means but I'm not going to worry about it, it's just so relieving to feel like there's someone who I know and can see face to face who actually gives a shit and seems to want to know me rather than want something from me. It's kind of difficult to know why it is that after seven years of being very impersonal and sometimes honestly hurtful/hateful towards me, this person is suddenly treating me like a really great friend and seems to care quite a bit, but I'm not going to question it and cause the one relationship with anyone in my life that I have now that seems remotely close or potentially close, if that makes any sense.
Bite me
If it's any consolation:
I was with my dickhead ex-husband for 7 years, left him, and I was suddenly totally alone. By choice, but alone. In a different state, 320 miles away from all of my family and friends, totally isolated and alone. And it was rough at first but I made new friends and I survived. And I'm WAY better off, it was the best decision I ever made!
A few years ago, my mother's husband of over 40 years passed away. My mother hadn't lived alone IN OVER 50 YEARS. And it's been 2 years and she's doing great. We sold her house, her furniture, and we moved her to another state to be closer to me and my husband, and she's renting our friend's condo on the 5th floor facing Executive Airport and some beautiful forest preserves and she loves it, and she started her whole life all over again. At first, for months, she was grieving, lost, terrified, sad. But, now she's pretty happy. She has new friends, she is familiar with the area, she has a new Honda. Life goes on. She still misses my stepdad every single day. But, she's still living her life.
But you have to WANT to survive. It's scary. It's sad. But, you have to WANT to move past it. My mom went to group grief counseling and dropped out after 2 weeks because there were people in there who'd been going for, like, 5 years and were still so pissed off that their spouse died that they couldn't move past it and they weren't living. They were paralyzed with anger that their spouse died, or with grief that they were alone. They were choosing to spend the rest of their days in grief or anger.
You obviously have decided to help yourself to get past this, too, and that's a healthy step.
Last edited by allegro; 05-18-2014 at 04:34 PM.
Active Member
I totally get EVERY word you say. If we weren't on opposite sides of the country, I'd give you the biggest fucking hug you have ever needed. Fuck it, I'm hugging you anyways. Relationships (or lack thereof) do suck at times. However, please note that you are not alone. I'm here for you, all these miles apart.
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@allegro : thanks for that, seriously.
Active Member
I've all but done just that; I really don't have any real close friends anyways, and the one that I do has stopped talking to her at all. I'm really trying as much as I can to make sure I can just move past this and not have constant reminders of her, I mean, I have enough already just from memories, triggers, etc., I don't need to have everyone around me adding to that. It took me a few days but I finally got around to getting rid of photos, etc., and it's honestly made it a lot easier. I'm not constantly looking over on my desk and seeing pictures an reminiscing, I'm not regularly looking around my house and seeing specific things she left around, and even though initially I thought having those things would help remember the good, all remembering the good does is contrast the present more and make things feel far worse.
So yeah, I'm really trying to make it to where I can transition to this part of my life as smoothly as I can, and I know it's not going to be an easy process or a fast one at all, but I feel like it's hard enough already, I don't need everything else piling up along with it. Thanks for the encouragement, it's really helpful and makes things seem far more achievable.
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