The Relationship Thread

[Pillfred]

It sucks, but I'm happy for you in a way. Things will get better, just remember that. I dated a my last long term ex for 9 years lucky were still good friends after a time. It's a thing to learn from. I'm lucky in that respect I guess but in any event it's all for the good. Even if it's crushing right now.

[eversonpoe]

So a few weeks ago my fiance who I've posted about here in the past when we had some serious issues decided to call it quits and she moved out for good a couple weeks ago. I've not really posted about it because it just was too much to really think about. The more I think about her the worse I realize she is. I don't feel like talking shit and venting constantly. I just hate that the more and more I think the more and more I realize there's a lot of shit she's done to me and in our relationship that's not okay at all. I don't want her back. I don't want her anymore. I hate that though. I miss that feeling of hope or optimism with her. I'd say I don't want to feel so alone but I've honestly felt alone for a few months, now it's just a literal thing rather than just an emotional one.

I feel really naive or stupid. I allowed a lot that I shouldn't have. I didn't stick up for myself when I should have. After last year I shouldn't have even allowed her to move back in let alone just recommit completely. I can't blame everything on her because I constantly gave her opportunities to manipulate me or neglect me. I let it happen whether I realized it or not at the time. I'm so tired of anxiety attacks. i'm tired of constant stress and a sense of inferiority. I'm tired of thinking I'm less than her. I'm tired of her telling me I am. I've spent so long being convinced any issue is because of my mental disorders or child abuse that now I'm realizing maybe that's not true, but it's so hard to break that cycle of thought. It's like I'm having to reassess my entire sense of self and determine what's really mine and what's something she made me believe or feel that isn't true. A lot of it seems to be the latter.

I don't know, I really feel like it hits a point in a long term relationship where the time invested seems too valuable to let go even though you should. I spent 4 years with this person, lived with them for 3, went through a lot with them and for them. It's hard to look at that much time especially as a younger person and not place a giant price tag on it. It's a really inaccurate view of things I think but it's hard to not feel that. Getting into such a longer, serious relationship at a younger age maybe wasn't all too great. A lot of people around me all have this fully formed sense of self and I'm just here with this sense of dependency and lack of identity on my own. It's like there's so much of me that got caught up in this person. So much of my self-worth was tied into it. There's a lot of issues I had before it started that just got either ignored or extrapolated because of being with her. All of my issues became ways to make me feel guilty for things she did, all of my past traumas or losses became ways to excuse her attitudes or actions and lay it all on me and I was too insecure to ever argue with that. It all made sense in my head that everything was somehow my fault. It's just not easy figuring out how to stop feeling that all the time. I guess me recognizing it is important on its own but I don't know where to go from that.

holy shit, that sounds like my ex. (sorry, i know a lot of you have heard me talk about her before)
we were together for four years, engaged for two of them. she had moved in after only a month and a half of us dating. she paid rent TWICE ever, and she had jobs for almost the entirety of our relationship. she was the most manipulative, cruel person i've ever met. she was constantly emotionally abusive, often verbally, and once physically. yet when we broke up for good, i still spent 7 months trailing after her, helping her financially, taking care of our cats/bunnies (that she took when we split), and hoping she would give me another chance, all the while she was dating another guy and keeping the fact that she was spending time with me a secret from him.

basically what i'm saying is, it sucks, and it hurts, and you feel like, even though she was awful to you, you miss her...but you will find a way to work through that, get past it, and you will be a better and a stronger person for it. good luck <3

[Dra508]

So a few weeks ago my fiance who I've posted about here in the past when we had some serious issues decided to call it quits and she moved out for good a couple weeks ago. I've not really posted about it because it just was too much to really think about. The more I think about her the worse I realize she is. I don't feel like talking shit and venting constantly. I just hate that the more and more I think the more and more I realize there's a lot of shit she's done to me and in our relationship that's not okay at all. I don't want her back. I don't want her anymore. I hate that though. I miss that feeling of hope or optimism with her. I'd say I don't want to feel so alone but I've honestly felt alone for a few months, now it's just a literal thing rather than just an emotional one.

I feel really naive or stupid. I allowed a lot that I shouldn't have. I didn't stick up for myself when I should have. After last year I shouldn't have even allowed her to move back in let alone just recommit completely. I can't blame everything on her because I constantly gave her opportunities to manipulate me or neglect me. I let it happen whether I realized it or not at the time. I'm so tired of anxiety attacks. i'm tired of constant stress and a sense of inferiority. I'm tired of thinking I'm less than her. I'm tired of her telling me I am. I've spent so long being convinced any issue is because of my mental disorders or child abuse that now I'm realizing maybe that's not true, but it's so hard to break that cycle of thought. It's like I'm having to reassess my entire sense of self and determine what's really mine and what's something she made me believe or feel that isn't true. A lot of it seems to be the latter.

I don't know, I really feel like it hits a point in a long term relationship where the time invested seems too valuable to let go even though you should. I spent 4 years with this person, lived with them for 3, went through a lot with them and for them. It's hard to look at that much time especially as a younger person and not place a giant price tag on it. It's a really inaccurate view of things I think but it's hard to not feel that. Getting into such a longer, serious relationship at a younger age maybe wasn't all too great. A lot of people around me all have this fully formed sense of self and I'm just here with this sense of dependency and lack of identity on my own. It's like there's so much of me that got caught up in this person. So much of my self-worth was tied into it. There's a lot of issues I had before it started that just got either ignored or extrapolated because of being with her. All of my issues became ways to make me feel guilty for things she did, all of my past traumas or losses became ways to excuse her attitudes or actions and lay it all on me and I was too insecure to ever argue with that. It all made sense in my head that everything was somehow my fault. It's just not easy figuring out how to stop feeling that all the time. I guess me recognizing it is important on its own but I don't know where to go from that.

Maybe I'm confusing you with someone else, but was this the same woman who broke up with you awhile back and you were really really upset about? If so, then I gotta say, you sound much more grounded and self aware this go 'round. Take that as a step in the right direction.

[ophelia_]

well, we had sex last night. she had put on cute undies in the morning, i put some on in the afternoon after i got home and showered, so we were both wearing cute lacy things when she got home from work. we had a BLAST in the bedroom. and afterward, she said "we can't ever go that long again without having sex." so, yeah. that was great.

Aaah! I haven't been on ETS for so long because MY job has been insane and is overtaking my life at the moment, but this makes me so happy to read! I love you and your wife, even if it is mainly from afar (instagram & fb), so very glad you guys got it on

[r_z]

get back in the game

Give yourself time to grieve. They say you can physically feel terrible so just go with it. It's like a withdrawal. I'm sure it'll be doubly difficult given that you work together. You're still going to see here around, but it's best to really avoid contacting each other. If she wants it to be over, she should be respectful of giving you lots of space. Since your relationship was secret, your friends might not understand what you're going through.

I'm sorry, I know how it hurts, I've been there. I just wanted to curl into a ball. I allowed myself a little time to wallow then I started doing stuff that I might not otherwise had the time to do. Spending more time with family and friends, other activities that were my own interests and such.

Time and distance will help.

You dont, you can't REALLY cope. The good thing is, the pain lessons and lessons each day and there will be a day that you don't think about them at all and that will either re-break your heart or you'll feel like you won. Usually it's the latter.

When I lost The-One-That-Got-Away, I was completely inconsolable for months (neither of us handled it very well. She stopped talking to me hoping that I'd get the hint, and I tried to hang on to someone that I'd obviously lost and was in denial about what was going on for weeks). I reached a point where I wasn't exactly considering doing something drastic to myself, but I literally did not care if I didn't wake up the next day. I barely ate enough to stay alive, I didn't sleep enough, and I slipped into a deep depression and my health took a steep decline (as a Type 1 diabetic, not waking up became a very real possibility).
Luckily, I had my music. My band literally became the thing that kept me alive because, as stupid as it may sound, I had commitments with them that I felt I couldn't break. It didn't matter how depressed I was; as long as I was playing, I was the happiest I could possibly be. Granted, I would feel horrible again as soon as the show was over, but during those hours, everything else slipped away. I'd like to say it was like a 12 step program for me, but I've never been in one so I can't make that comparison in good conscience.
Finally, what helped the most was closure. I was able to talk to her (through E-Mail, but it was better than nothing) about some of the things that happened and she tried to explain what happened. We eventually exchanged our final goodbyes, and I felt like I was finally able to move on. It was still a long time before I was ready to try and date again, and there were many days when I would miss her so much that it physically hurt. But those days slowly became less and less frequent and I started to heal. It was finally another year after our final message that I thought "okay, I think I'm ready to possibly entertain the thought of considering thinking about maybe trying to date again". It's been about four years since I had that thought.
Sure, there are still days when I think about her and what it would be like if we were still together, but at least I don't break down into a pathetic mass of tears when it happens and now it's more of a "what if" scenario rather than an "I wish" one.

It all comes down, in my opinion, to time and what matters most to you in your life. Music, art, friends, family, your job, whatever it is that makes you happy can end up saving you. I can't promise that sewing the pieces of your heart back together will be easy, but it does eventually get better. I hope it's easier for you than it was for me.

You guys, thanks so much for the replies. I didn't respond sooner as it hurt too much.

BUT I'm happy to say, we're back together! She basically needed some time to think about her current situation (with all that's going on in her life... like her parents may be divorcing for a second time or the bad relationship she has with her sister...) as well as her expectations about her future (I'm younger than her, up until we got together she's always been together with men that we're older...). All that stuff confused her a lot, understandably.

In the past few weeks I basically tried to show her, how much our relationship meant to me, that I won't be one of those guys running away like her father did when she was young, how much I love her, etc. I guess she realized how much she missed me and "us" and how she loved me, too. She knows what I went through and she said she wants to make up for it, already made plans for our anniversary, booked tickets for a show, etc. to show me how serious she is. I believe her, though it's hard to switch back to happy-mode all of a sudden. This will need a bit of time and that's ok, I guess.

Anyways, thanks for your advice, guys!

[The_Prowler]

You guys, thanks so much for the replies. I didn't respond sooner as it hurt too much.

BUT I'm happy to say, we're back together! She basically needed some time to think about her current situation (with all that's going on in her life... like her parents may be divorcing for a second time or the bad relationship she has with her sister...) as well as her expectations about her future (I'm younger than her, up until we got together she's always been together with men that we're older...). All that stuff confused her a lot, understandably.

In the past few weeks I basically tried to show her, how much our relationship meant to me, that I won't be one of those guys running away like her father did when she was young, how much I love her, etc. I guess she realized how much she missed me and "us" and how she loved me, too. She knows what I went through and she said she wants to make up for it, already made plans for our anniversary, booked tickets for a show, etc. to show me how serious she is. I believe her, though it's hard to switch back to happy-mode all of a sudden. This will need a bit of time and that's ok, I guess.

Anyways, thanks for your advice, guys!

I'm glad you two are back together and happy again. This very well could strengthen your relationship to a level neither of you could have imagined.

[The_Prowler]

One of my good friends had been engaged for about the last year and a half/two years. This is a friend that I had asked out and been rejected by, only to find out recently that she lied when she said she wasn't interested because she freaked out and got scared at the prospect of being with someone like me. And what's more, she still has feelings for me.
About a week ago, she called off her engagement (long story), then when the situation escalated later that night, she left him entirely (she has told me multiple times that while I unintentionally helped her reach that decision, I'm not "the reason" she did it). She says that if I'm still single in a month, she wants to go on a date with me (for all the relationships she's been in, she's never been on a real date).

That was the *extremely* condensed version of the story... yeah, I've had an interesting couple of weeks.

*Update*

So we've been spending a lot of time together over the last month. She's very "movie deprived", so I've been sitting her down to watch films she's never seen. One of the ones I recently made her watch was The Big Lebowski... that's important.

This past Sunday, we had our first official date. Given the movie we'd watched a few days prior, I took her bowling (and I had a White Russian because that's the only proper way to bowl) and we had dinner there, then we went to a local bar and had a drink and some pierogies, and after that we found a rubber street hockey ball and immediately turned into a couple of five year olds playing with that in a parking lot, and we had a wonderful time. Against all odds, I've found someone who can not only tolerate my general weirdness and various eccentricities, but she can actually match them. Over the last month, she's stolen my heart (I'm also missing a pair of socks, but I don't think she had anything to do with that), and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. For some reason that I still can't understand, she's just as into me as I am into her.

I'm just hoping nothing happens to fuck this up.

[halloween]

I'm feeling pretty sick to my stomach, I think things are coming to an end.

[slave2thewage]

I got wasted yesterday and ended up unblocking that guy that I mentioned before and texted an apology to him. He was... less than gracious about things. Won't be making that mistake again.

[Swykk]

I was in one of these, what do you call them...relationships...for a couple of months. It was mostly awkward so it wasn't too awful when she bailed but rejection sucks even when you don't have a chance to get too close.

Where are the nerdy/goth ladies at? Not here where I am, that's for sure.

[implanted_microchip]

I really wish I could stop missing and loving this person when I know I have every reason to hate them and shouldn't want anything to do with them. It's such a struggle every day to not call them or text them. I wish I could move. Everywhere in my house just makes me think of her. All the time it's like I'll blink and leave my eyes shut for just a second longer and can see her right there in front of me. It's like our relationship is just a ghost haunting every room. I can't fucking stand it and I especially can't stand how happy I feel every time it happens, like things are how I wish they were for a moment again. I keep trying to act like I want nothing to do with her and agree with anyone I know who says she's awful or criticizes how she treated me or left and I try to act like I'm not in love as if saying it and hearing it in my own voice will convince my brain that it's true but it just doesn't work that way. How am I supposed to stop missing this? How am I supposed to drown these feelings for someone? It just doesn't seem to happen. I just wish it was a year from now already but I honestly don't think I'll really even be that over it by then. Oh well.

[Lunatica]

I really wish I could stop missing and loving this person when I know I have every reason to hate them and shouldn't want anything to do with them. It's such a struggle every day to not call them or text them. I wish I could move. Everywhere in my house just makes me think of her. All the time it's like I'll blink and leave my eyes shut for just a second longer and can see her right there in front of me. It's like our relationship is just a ghost haunting every room. I can't fucking stand it and I especially can't stand how happy I feel every time it happens, like things are how I wish they were for a moment again. I keep trying to act like I want nothing to do with her and agree with anyone I know who says she's awful or criticizes how she treated me or left and I try to act like I'm not in love as if saying it and hearing it in my own voice will convince my brain that it's true but it just doesn't work that way. How am I supposed to stop missing this? How am I supposed to drown these feelings for someone? It just doesn't seem to happen. I just wish it was a year from now already but I honestly don't think I'll really even be that over it by then. Oh well.

The pain will only get better when you confront yourself and how you handled being in that situation/relationship. It hurts to see some of my exes be happy and even married and even be respectful and decent to their partners. It's tough to say to yourself that when shit hit the fan you folded and acted like a little bitch instead of fighting for yourself. But that's how you learn how to do that and it will happen again and again if you don't fight for yourself.

[Dra508]

I really wish I could stop missing and loving this person when I know I have every reason to hate them and shouldn't want anything to do with them. It's such a struggle every day to not call them or text them. I wish I could move. Everywhere in my house just makes me think of her. All the time it's like I'll blink and leave my eyes shut for just a second longer and can see her right there in front of me. It's like our relationship is just a ghost haunting every room. I can't fucking stand it and I especially can't stand how happy I feel every time it happens, like things are how I wish they were for a moment again. I keep trying to act like I want nothing to do with her and agree with anyone I know who says she's awful or criticizes how she treated me or left and I try to act like I'm not in love as if saying it and hearing it in my own voice will convince my brain that it's true but it just doesn't work that way. How am I supposed to stop missing this? How am I supposed to drown these feelings for someone? It just doesn't seem to happen. I just wish it was a year from now already but I honestly don't think I'll really even be that over it by then. Oh well.

This might sound trite, but get out the house. Do some stuff you wouldn't have otherwise do because you were busy being in a relationship. Deal with the grief, but get on with life and enjoy it. There is soooooo much out there, you just have to take that step out....

[implanted_microchip]

This might sound trite, but get out the house. Do some stuff you wouldn't have otherwise do because you were busy being in a relationship. Deal with the grief, but get on with life and enjoy it. There is soooooo much out there, you just have to take that step out....

That's the thing though, I do. With my depression I naturally want to isolate myself but I keep forcing myself to go out with friends, do things, stay busy and make myself socialize all the time. It hasn't helped yet. Everyone keeps telling me the solution to my heartbreak and loneliness is other people and I'm not seeing it. It's still not been that long so I get the time factor. It's getting there that's the hard thing for me. This is starting to turn into a mental health thread post so I'll cut myself off here. A big issue is really all my relationship kept me from doing was negative things and it's way too easy or tempting for me to just drink when I go out now. I have zero interest in drugs too yet lately I'm in situations where I'm offered and it gets harder and harder to say no. I need better friends. I don't really know. I just know none of what I've been doing is making it any easier.

[ophelia_]

Not sure if I'm being over-dramatic or not, I have really bad anxiety about pretty much everything and so I never know if my response to things is justified or not...

So on the weekend, my bf and I were looking at something on his phone and this message pops up from this chick he used to sleep with before we got together, asking how he was etc.. And above it, there's a bunch of messages over the past 8 months that he has never responded to. I was a bit iffy about it, because we had a massive fight about her cracking onto him earlier last year (and the way he handles it very poorly) and he said he wouldn't speak to her anymore, which he hadn't, fair enough. I was pretty happy to see all her messages were not responded to.

And then last night he went to set an alarm when we were in bed, but accidentally clicked on the message icon and it popped straight up into his response to her. He had responded to her message from the other night just saying 'yeah i've been good, blah blah'... And I was pretty shocked that he replied to her, especially when he told me he wouldn't. I was even more shocked when I saw her response to it was 'I miss you so much, when can I see you or are you still "not allowed" haha'

She knows full well that we are in a relationship and despite that she keeps sending these messages... I was really upset last night. I can't understand why he would even respond in the first place, it's pretty obvious what she wants from him, why would he entertain it? Anyways, I pretty much went a bit emotional and said I was really upset about the intent and purpose of why he messaged her back, and that if he wanted to be with her then he needs to just tell me instead of lying to me, etc... He just doesn't understand why I'm so upset.

Should I not be this upset? I do have massive insecurities from ex boyfriends cheating on me, and he's well aware of it... Until this point, I had no issues trusting him. But now I just can't get past it. Blurgh... Feelings are the worst.

[playwithfire]

Trust is hard. I think that if he hasn't responded to her in all this time, that's a very good sign, and personally, I wouldn't be cool limiting my SO's social interaction with another person. What I *do* think is totally reasonable is asking to be kept aware of their interactions. Basically being like "Look, you're your own person, and I'm not going to let my insecurity get in the way of my trusting you, but I think it'd help me a lot in trms of my comfort levels if you just kept me posted about your communication with her."

I also don't think asking to read a convo sometimes or things like that is unreasonable, so long as its something you ask for and not do behind their back.

[ophelia_]

Yeah definitely, I never placed any limitations on him speaking to her - when all this stuff went down last year, I said that I was really uncomfortable with him having a friendship with her (because they weren't friends, they were strictly sex only and didn't even know each others last names, kinda thing) and he said he wouldn't speak to her anymore... I never asked him to do that, which is why I'm even more upset about this, because he went out of his way to make me feel more comfortable and now he's broken his own rules.

It's just a shitty situation that I'm not looking forward to dealing with. I've never looked through his phone or anything like that, so I'm really wishing now that it hadn't popped up accidentally. Gah.

[halloween]

Ugh, that sounds like a situation with my first boyfriend. We were long distance and open, he eventually found someone to start fooling around with and I was fine with it. I said I'd like to meet this lady! I don't even remember now if she even knew about me honestly, which wouldn't be ok with me then or now. I didn't meet this girl because he eventually said he didn't feel comfortable with the situation anymore and was going to end it. The asshole didn't have a backbone to stick to his word so the next day or some time soon after he told me "Well...she came over and I didn't want to hurt her...." SO HE HURT ME INSTEAD because I felt lied too. He created his own rule and broke it like you said. I don't remember how long after that we kept dating but I did end up breaking up with him because it was too much of an emotional roller coaster and after three years apart we were growing into strangers unfortunately.

[Substance242]

I'm afraid to hope.

[implanted_microchip]

So for the last few months we were together I had a constant feeling my ex was hiding something from me and lying to me. She was a compulsive liar and I realized that around February. I'd already had trust issues with her from her lying, her cheating before, etc. I still just felt like I should write it off as paranoia or just me being childish. It wasn't like there was any proof or real reason to think so, whatsoever. But she would have to suddenly work later than expected a lot of nights from time to time, a few extra hours. She had a schedule board in the house so she could keep track of it and so it was easy to know when she'd be home, and suddenly there was a lot of "Oh, I must've written it wrong, I don't get off until ___" and it would be a lot later. But whatever, right? She worked someplace that was known for bad hours and schedule changes and it had happened less often before and it made sense. I'd go to pick her up a lot and she was always there, so it's not like I had any past experience of her lying about this. But she was getting rides home a lot now. She had a boss who was married and vastly older than her (I know age difference isn't always a big deal but trust me, this was drastic) and she was good friends with him, got along very well, would talk about him frequently. Well, that's great that she has someone at work she gets along with, it's stressful for her so I should be happy that she has someone who she can be friends with and talk to on breaks or what have you. She'd tell me about how they'd jokingly flirt or whatever. Oh, it's just kidding. Well, whatever. People do that I guess. I haven't, but people do. He started giving her a lot of rides home. Now where she worked she had fairly unusual and inconsistent hours so it was kind of odd for someone to get off at the same time so often, but hey, that isn't so weird or anything. She didn't need to be picked up often anymore, especially when she was working later. "Well, I know it's a lot later than you expected so I've got a ride, don't worry about me." Okay, that makes sense and is actually pretty considerate of her. She actively complained on occasion or laughed at how some of her coworkers apparently accused her of sleeping with this boss to get special treatment, since they were so friendly together. So it's totally ridiculous, of course, she herself thinks so. I have nothing to be worried about, I'm being paranoid, I need to not even entertain the idea. She'd not do that. She even said "That could get me fired even, I'm amazed anyone would think that." See? So yeah, fear gone, no reason to suspect anything. I'm just being a little immature and need to reign my feelings in before I go insane and am dead wrong about this.

They officially told everyone they're together now a day ago. Just this past week or so a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a Facebook post of her saying how she knew if she went to work the next day she'd be getting fired so she'd just rather quit. Her boss was getting a divorce around the time she moved out. Needless to say there's every reason to believe she was cheating on me, and his wife suspected, so they split, and then people at work found out, so she quit.

I don't know how I feel. I know a lot of people have been through this, but I haven't. I've heard all about how shitty it feels and how sad you get and mad you get and hurt and hard you find it to trust people and the general sentiments. There's plenty of songs and movies and books and shows and art about it, and plenty of people who talk about it. And I got all of that intellectually but it's such a different thing to feel emotionally. There's so much about it because there's no real way to definitively communicate it. I don't know the word for this. I don't know the way to communicate it. I can say what happened but I can't really say how it feels. This is a NIN site so everybody who bothers to read this will know what I mean when I say that Reptile puts it lightly.

I just don't know how to feel/

[Swykk]

Dude, I am sorry you're dealing with so many of the same things I have (and do). My ex wife cheated on me too. I also thought I was being paranoid and over anxious. It's been five years and it felt like she took a piece of whatever goodness I had.
Time doesn't necessarily heal this but I have been able to rebuild a bit. You will too. My big problem now isn't learning to trust again, it's not knowing anyone!

[slave2thewage]

Ugh, I used to be so good at getting over people when I was younger. I'm beginning to forget him, but it's taking forever. This is like I'm reliving my first breakup - and I wasn't even in a "proper" relationship with this guy. LET'S ERASE FEELINGS FOREVER. At least I've turned to copious amounts of herbal teas instead of the bottom of a wine bottle this time around.

[Swykk]

I'm on board with erasing feelings.

[eversonpoe]

Ugh, I used to be so good at getting over people when I was younger. I'm beginning to forget him, but it's taking forever. This is like I'm reliving my first breakup - and I wasn't even in a "proper" relationship with this guy. LET'S ERASE FEELINGS FOREVER. At least I've turned to copious amounts of herbal teas instead of the bottle of a wine bottle this time around.

you can do it, babe. <3

[Substance242]

You remind me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

[slave2thewage]

You remind me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I love that movie so much, as heartbreaking as it is. I may rewatch it tonight.

[playwithfire]

It should go without saying that I respect people's choices to do basically whatever they want with their lives, so long as it doesn't negatively impact the lives of those around them.

So, like, whatever feelings I might have about the choice someone makes is trumped by the first part. No question.

That said, a female friend of mine just got married and took the guy's last name, and I'm both curious as to her reasoning (there are plenty of valid reasons) and a little disappointed if it was participating in tradition.

Obviously she can do whatever she wants and choose whatever she wants, but I struggle with the fact that taking a man's last name was once a part of marriage being a tool of oppression for women, and that the reverse (haaaay Zoe Saldana) is a thing that almost never happens or is considered by a couple.

[Dra508]

It should go without saying that I respect people's choices to do basically whatever they want with their lives, so long as it doesn't negatively impact the lives of those around them.

So, like, whatever feelings I might have about the choice someone makes is trumped by the first part. No question.

That said, a female friend of mine just got married and took the guy's last name, and I'm both curious as to her reasoning (there are plenty of valid reasons) and a little disappointed if it was participating in tradition.

Obviously she can do whatever she wants and choose whatever she wants, but I struggle with the fact that taking a man's last name was once a part of marriage being a tool of oppression for women, and that the reverse (haaaay Zoe Saldana) is a thing that almost never happens or is considered by a couple.

I campaigned for my ex to take my last name when we got married back when everyone was hyphenating, which I totally would have compromised to had our names actually worked together, but it was way too long. My last name was very important to me, my identity, but really it was my dad's name not my mom's and it was his dad's name, to his mom's so, really tradition held. Marriage is about coming together and right or wrong, a new identity so a new name isn't terrible. If I was getting married for the first time today, I'd seriously consider not changing or asking someone to chafe their name, it's just so much more common to keep your name as is. If I married again today, I'd keep my name, my first husband's name. It's what everyone knows me as. Now, how would the second husband feel about that?

No,I'm not planning on getting married!! Calm down people!

[eversonpoe]

Obviously she can do whatever she wants and choose whatever she wants, but I struggle with the fact that taking a man's last name was once a part of marriage being a tool of oppression for women, and that the reverse (haaaay Zoe Saldana) is a thing that almost never happens or is considered by a couple.

i wanted to take my wife's last name (because it's awesome: santarelli) but she didn't want me to, so we both kept our own names. le sigh.

[tony.parente]

You guys are probably tired of seeing my wedding related bullshit all over the board so this will be the last one I promise. I got my wedding pictures back! Here are a few of my favorite ones.