Long story short, I'm feeling insecure depressed and shit.
Long story a little less short, boyfriend and I moved hundreds of miles from home for me to go to college in Philly. He's worked to pay rent and bills and food and shit, while I hardcore school it out. He proposed to me 2 years ago, knowing what he was getting in to, both financially with the whole student debt and artist thing, and the whole trans thing.
I just finished in December, getting my BFA in Photography in the mail at the end of the month. Already set up an appointment with the school's career counselor for tips/advice/help with applying to a few staff positions at my school, because I have so many reasons I would love to work there. If all of that fails, there are 2 galleries in the city where I am on a good first name basis with workers, and I have curated and installed/de-installed 2 shows, so I have experience in gallery work. If that fails, my school has a website that helps students/alum get in touch with people looking for work in various arts fields. I'm not above being a secretary for someone.
I used to work at Walmart, and told him I'd be willing to go back (it's a guaranteed job, 40 hours a week at $9.10/hr starting) just to have some income while I'm trying to find something in my field, since the economy sucks to begin with, let alone making money as an artist. He ended that conversation with "that's not what we came all the way down here for you to go to school for."
Now, mind you, we have only been back in Philly since the 31st (went on a week vacation after my finals for x-mas to see family), so it's been 7 days. Classes haven't even started up if I were still a student, but I feel like I haven't done enough to get a job. I just keep getting stuck on "what if I can't get a job and this was all a waste of his time and his money and I know he hates living here and" you know where that leads. I'm just kinda stuck in my head doubting myself and feeling like a worthless piece of shit. And I know it's not healthy thinking. And he loves me and blah blah blah but hat whole clinical depression thing kicks in and I can't help but think this was about myself.
I just think I needed to get that out. Sorry guys.