The Childfree and/or Unmarried Thread

[halloween]

I read a great piece online that my sister posted but later deleted (because she was embarrassed by how it would be taken, because she has a child) I managed to catch it and I thought it was great. It was a woman explaining how she absolutely loves her children but she absolutely would not have made the same choice, she misses what her life was like before.

The great point she made is that despite knowing motherhood wasn't for her, she still loves her children and she hasn't "messed up the kids life". That happens if you decide to tell the kid those feelings, which she probably never will because she loves them and is being responsible for the decision she made. I mean, the flipside is people who give their kids up for adoption or just play out their misery. It was just interesting to see the less depicted reality of it all appears normal and is happy because she loves her children, but realizes it wasn't the best decision.

[elevenism]

i was supposed to get a ready made family with my wife, but through a perfect shitstorm of bad events, her awful ex husband won custody. so although she has two children aged 9 and 12, she's only spent one month with them in the past couple of years. and now the ex husband won't even let her talk to them on the phone or tell us where they live.
we are starting to think that those two kids are just gone. hopefully she will get to see them when they are grown.

SO...we are childless.
we both just turned 35, and are wondering. her tubes are tied. we have discussed in vitro.

That being said, it MAY be for the best that i don't have a child. i'm not sure if i could really handle the responsibility.

i've been thinking about it a lot. i worry about my spiritual "line" ending. i believe that a part of our consciousness is passed on to our children in some way.

my brother has a 3 year old girl and a 6 month old boy. maybe they are part of my "line?"

also, not to sound like a bitch, but i've been through so much pain in my life. and everyone we love will die eventually. and NONE of us knows what happens to us when we die. So part of me thinks it would be better to NOT bring another being into this world.

I better figure it out pretty quick, seeing as how the mrs is 35.

another thing to consider is that i don't know how much damage she suffered from the meningitis. she has a completely different personality. i know that she is still getting better, but i'm not 100 percent sure that she could manage to raise a child.
i THINK she could but i'm not sure yet.

i think i will be okay with just having the niece and nephew. they are great.
my niece ADORES me, and when i'm done playing with her, she goes back to mommy and daddy!

[allegro]

Nieces and nephews are very okay, @elevenism ! And, someday, after your wife's children are out from under the thumb of their controlling father, they may want to be back in contact with their mother. You never know. But, you are very wise to know that children aren't pets and require LOTS of responsibility. And In Vitro is no picnic, it's REALLY expensive, requires a lot of shots and meds and is very taxing on the female. Alexis Stewart, Martha Stewart's daughter, was really honest about what bullshit the "In Vitro Is Simple" thing is: she says she spent $27,000 per month for the In Vitro plus an additional $6,000 per month for the drugs she had to inject herself with to stimulate her egg production, and then she had four miscarriages. Ultimately, she paid a surrogate to give birth to her two children.

G and I have godchildren and pets. Lots and lots of pets! And charities and good causes and lots of love to give to nature and flora and fauna.

Not to get too heavy, here, but you may have already had children in a previous life. Or lives. So that's why it may not be that important this time around. And you can have others in future lives. Until your soul is finally fully developed. If you're into that kinda thing. (wink)

[elevenism]

thanks, @allegro .

we thought we could get the in vitro for closer to $12-$15,000. And if it's very taxing, after Lorien's brain infection, i don't want to subject her to it.

We have an American bulldog who is damn near like a kid, with all the attention he demands. We have three kitties, and the niece and nephew.

And i have no doubt that her kids will want to contact her when they can.

It has been SO hard for her. You know, in ten years of marriage, her ex husband only worked four. The rest of the time he drank whiskey and played video games. But then, through a perfect storm of bullshit, he won custody...sigh.
I cry for her.
But although her son may have been too young to understand what was happening, her daughter DID. I'm sure she will be back around as soon as she can.

Thank you so much for your words tonight.

[theimage13]

Friend shared this today. Some snarky smart-assery in there, but for the most part, some pretty good points. I agreed with the vast majority of what was written.

[botley]

No thank you, madam Speaker.

[theimage13]

No thank you, madam Speaker.

I feel like I missed something.

[botley]

I feel like I missed something.

I was just trying to use Parliamentary language.

[botley]

I knew this was going to bite me in the ass.

Anyone have a breakup in an otherwise relatively healthy, happy, giving, supportive sexual relationship, simply over a difference of opinion about this?

[theimage13]

I knew this was going to bite me in the ass.

Anyone have a breakup in an otherwise relatively healthy, happy, giving, supportive sexual relationship, simply over a difference of opinion about this?

A difference in opinion on that topic is never "simple", sadly. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but wanting / not wanting to have kids is nothing like wanting / not wanting to buy a certain type of car or something. Parenthood is so life-consuming from conception until death that simple is the very last word that would ever come to mind to describe it.

I'm guessing your post means you still have no desire to have children, but your s/o does? If that's the case...well, I really hope that counseling helps. But if they're 100% pro-parenthood and you're 100% anti-parenthood, that's tough - because no matter what solution there is, someone is taking a major life-long compromise. There are certainly options - at least here in the states we have the Big Brother / Big Sister program, which is sort of like being a part-time parent/mentor to a child. I know one couple who were on the fence and decided to adopt a pet first, and realized through that venture that they didn't want the responsibility of caring for a human child. Maybe - hopefully - you'll find that there's a solution that works. It would definitely be awful to lose an otherwise healthy relationship over one difference of opinion, even if it's on a pretty significant topic. Good luck!

[Substance242]

I would love to have children, but this is not about what I want. If only I could believe the future will be OK, peace, economics, jobs, water, wars, climate... I'm not thinking it will definitely go to hell soon, but maybe it will, and do I want to watch my children suffer...? Or, maybe I am just... what is the word for looking for excuses. And maybe I'll find woman with children so this will be solved already. :-)

[Detunez]

Too many people on this planet so i have two reasons not to be interested in having kids at the moment:

- Another "human" on planet "destroyed" and ending.
- I miss any interest in having any child at the moment.

[theruiner]

I always heard, oh you'll change your mind, oh you'll change your mind. Well, I'm 34 now and I still don't want kids. At all. Even a tiny bit. So...yeah. So much for changing my mind.

[tony.parente]

I forgot this thread existed.

fuck kids

[theruiner]

fuck kids

You...may want to reconsider that wording.

[elevenism]

Marriage was the entire goal of my life. It goddamn sure hasn't "lost its meaning" for us. It WAS and IS the next level of our relationship.
Kids, though, i wanted one bad but always knew that i would be doing the kid a serious disservice because i'm my own baby. Someone has to watch over ME or i will fuck up. So how in the hell could i watch over someone else long term?

So it just so happens that my wife got her tubes tied before we met.
I'm fucking hell bent on us staying together for the long haul, which ain't really that fucking long. Time seems to be speeding up. We've been living as married for 5 years and actually married for 3, and it feels like we just met.
i'm 37 now. ("i'm already five years older" and so forth.)

I have 5 year old niece and i am like the light of her life, like a magical superhero.
And i have a 2 year old nephew who i hope will feel the same.

When they come to visit, my niece basically kicks it with me the entire time. She's even come by herself. So i do some parenting, but i can always give the kids back to their mom and dad if shit gets hectic.

I'm going to teach them to smoke when they are like ten. Not really. PROBABLY not really.

[Big Fat Matt]

Kids suck. They're like people who are smaller and less in control of their minds and mouths.

[GulDukat]

I would like to get married and have kids, but I seem to suck at life.

[kel]

ina garten, aka the barefoot contessa, is easy to despise. her well-to-do, east hampton lifestyle, etc. but she's actually really dynamic and has done some amazing shit. plus she supports and donates substantially to great causes like planned parenthood.

huff post published an article about her choice to not have children and how the decision enabled her to live such an extraordinary life. it was great.

[botley]

Hopefully something positive comes out of it @playwithfire . We're seeing a couples counseling person to work out what the fuck is actually going on but, yeah, breaking up is on the table. Which I think would be a shame but they don't call it a deal-breaker for nothing...

[theimage13]

The future of the world itself is a very large reason for me not wanting kids. I'm too pessimistic about the future of the planet to think that bringing anyone else into it could possibly be a good idea - for me and for them. IF I ever changed my mind, I would adopt for both selfish and selfless reasons (i.e. skipping the diaper phase, but also I could never justify creating a new life when ~100,000 kids in this country alone are currently without parents and awaiting adoption.)

[Nellyrific]

I’m a 35 year old woman so people seem to be able to see alarms going off around me concerning my biological clock, like it’s do or die time. I hate being asked and I hate the reactions once I do respond. I’m terrified of having children and still very unsure about it. When people tell me I’m missing out I have to remind them of how miserable they are most of the time.

[theimage13]

I’m a 35 year old woman so people seem to be able to see alarms going off around me concerning my biological clock, like it’s do or die time. I hate being asked and I hate the reactions once I do respond. I’m terrified of having children and still very unsure about it. When people tell me I’m missing out I have to remind them of how miserable they are most of the time.

http://brutereason.tumblr.com/post/1...who-choose-not

Love this person's explanation.

[Nellyrific]

http://brutereason.tumblr.com/post/1...who-choose-not

Love this person's explanation.

YES.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Boots]

I don't remember seeing this thread before. i'm unmarried and childfree but it's not intentional. None of the men I was involved with ever wanted kids. They didn't wanna get married either. Not to me. I didn't choose this lifestyle.

I think I would've made a good mother. I like kids and I'm a generous person. I have a background in nursing and nutrition. I also know how to budget because I went to business school.

[tony.parente]

I don't remember seeing this thread before. i'm unmarried and childfree but it's not intentional. None of the men I was involved with ever wanted kids. They didn't wanna get married either. Not to me. I didn't choose this lifestyle.

I think I would've made a good mother. I like kids and I'm a generous person. I have a background in nursing and nutrition. I also know how to budget because I went to business school.

The rare female INCEL.

[Lunatica]

I don't think I should have children.

It's like, I like the idea of having a chicken coop, but I don't really want to maintain it or kill the chickens for food. I'd love the free eggs though!

My body on the other hand really really wants to be filled with seed, embarrassingly so, yesterday at work I was caught staring zombie-like at the TV's by a manager. It was a DJ Steve Aoki show. I don't even like DJ's, I don't even think I've ever been attracted to Asians.

But I wanted him to fill me up with his seed.

Fucked up.

[eversonpoe]

I don't even think I've ever been attracted to Asians.

cool, another racist person on the board.

[Lunatica]

cool, another racist person on the board.

You can have a type and not be racist. And I don't really like skinny. I'm just saying it was a nice surprise in my pants.

[ryanmcfly]

My wife has been asking about kids alot lately. I'm still mostly Team No Kids. And will be until we are both in our careers. I'm trying to be a teacher, so i need to go get my certification and take some classes and shit still. She's doing her pre-requisites for Vet School. Though, I wish she would decide to be a teacher. She's a supplemental insturctor at the University she goes to and does a really damn good job at it. Plus we would both have summers off for whatever trips we want to go on. So right now is absolutely not the time for it. If we are both teachers or i am a teacher and she's a vet, perhaps then I'll reconsider, but I am at a hard no right now.

End rant. Life has been hard lately.