The Transgender Thread

[eversonpoe]

ever since i had my transition dream a couple weeks ago, i've been thinking more and more about it. all of my closest friends are very, very supportive of my potential decision.

well...my fiancee and i were watching the "nanageddon" episode of mighty boosh tonight and she made a joke along the lines of "will you still love me when i'm old?" so i tried to make a lighthearted joke about transitioning and being a grandma with her, but since we'd both had a couple drinks, she took it way too seriously, and the night went very, very south.

she's apparently not as supportive as i'd previously thought, and i spent about an hour consoling her while she was crying on the bathroom floor about feeling like a bad person.

meanwhile, i had to sit there, straight-faced, assuring her that i love her (which i obviously do).

i'm not in the best mood right now...

[orestes]

A clothing line catered for women and transmen.

[theruiner]

So, I came out to my sister tonight. It went really well. She wasn't the least bit phased. She thought I was joking at first, because I do joke around a lot about a hell of a lot of things (and I had just been joking around a minute before). She was just really sad that I had gone through this and that I continue to go through it. She was incredibly supportive. Good kid, that one.

[Fixer808]

Your sister rocks.

[AgentofChaos]

ever since i had my transition dream a couple weeks ago, i've been thinking more and more about it. all of my closest friends are very, very supportive of my potential decision.

well...my fiancee and i were watching the "nanageddon" episode of mighty boosh tonight and she made a joke along the lines of "will you still love me when i'm old?" so i tried to make a lighthearted joke about transitioning and being a grandma with her, but since we'd both had a couple drinks, she took it way too seriously, and the night went very, very south.

she's apparently not as supportive as i'd previously thought, and i spent about an hour consoling her while she was crying on the bathroom floor about feeling like a bad person.

meanwhile, i had to sit there, straight-faced, assuring her that i love her (which i obviously do).

i'm not in the best mood right now...

Can't help myself... curious as to how this played out one month later... any further details?

[eversonpoe]

Can't help myself... curious as to how this played out one month later... any further details?

haven't really brought it up again. :/

she's been dealing with a lot of stress (she hates her job) and we've been really getting into the details of wedding planning (it's not til next september but we're trying to do as much now so we don't have to panic when it gets closer), so it just isn't a good time to try to even talk about the possibility.

[Dra508]

Your sister rocks.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AgentofChaos]

haven't really brought it up again. :/

she's been dealing with a lot of stress (she hates her job) and we've been really getting into the details of wedding planning (it's not til next september but we're trying to do as much now so we don't have to panic when it gets closer), so it just isn't a good time to try to even talk about the possibility.

Sorry I have to. So.... you think a good time to discuss this further would be AFTER the wedding? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that is not the right call. It's one thing to love a person unconditionally and make a commitment to them. But in as much as a person doesn't chose to be gay, it would be very hard to force someone who is into men to basically turn around and be with a woman. It's a bait and switch. I'm married and I love my wife to the ends of the earth. But if she turned around and wanted to transition, I'd feel pretty fuckin betrayed. I married a woman. I'd want to help her, and I'd want her to be happy of course, but on a long enough time frame I don't think I could sustain as it wouldn't be a two way street any longer. You need to get this out in the wash now. Being married for a year, 5 years, 10 years, and deciding at that point would be incredibly selfish, in the exact same way it's selfish for gay people to enter into straight marriages for social reasons only to eventually cheat and become "full time gay" many years later. Sure everyone works on their schedule of self discovery, but deep down you have to know what the realities are for yourself and you need to be 100% open about that before you tie the knot. She needs to know that this is something you are seriously considering and may ultimately do down the road. If she's ok with that, great. But it sounds like she isn't, and your suppressing so you don't have to deal with it now, which isn't fucking healthy for you or fair to her. And if you aren't sure, that's ok too but then you should probably put things off until you figure that out. Do the right thing for yourself and her and don't marry this woman until you have this serious discussion.

[theruiner]

So...I just scheduled my first appointment with a therapist that specializes in gender. I've gone to therapists before but never a specialist. This is huge for me. I really, really think I might end up transitioning and relatively soon. If everything comes together I might be on hormones within a year (this is just my completely unprofessional calculation but I really think it's a possibility). I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

[jessamineny]

So fucking happy for you! ::big hugs::

[sick among the pure]

YAY BIG SETBACK.
So, I've been slowly saving up to get top surgery, because let's face it, going to a NIN pit in a binder sucks, I don't wanna do that anymore. And then this weekend BLAM fiance's car quits working. Our savings is going to have to go toward that first. Some days I feel like I'm never going to get surgery. I haven't even gotten the money together for my name change yet.

[Fixer808]

It'll happen, don't worry! Me and Tom Petty know that the waiting IS the hardest part, but you'll get there.

[PUNCHLINE]

Ive been reading this thread with interest, some of the comments are the same as Ive been hearing for years, about gender being "fluid" and how you should just be you, etc etc. Unless people are going through it it`s hard to understand really, an academic viewpoint is exactly that, just textbook and theory. At the end of the day a lot of it is down to trying to find piece of mind and an identity, and that doesnt just mean "being YOU", lol. Life isnt that easy.
Its one of the last great taboos, the last great social stigmas to go through: these days being gay is generally accepted, but dressing as a member of the opposite sex in public in an everyday social setting is really the quickest way to become a freakshow unfortunately.

[theruiner]

So...today was my first time seeing a therapist who specializes in gender. I'm seriously walking on clouds right now.

There were three major roadblocks to this happening and two of them are now gone. She dissolved one of my biggest fears, and one of the things that's been holding me back, in one conversation. Now there's two other things to figure out- one more (very personal) roadblock and then figuring out if this is really what I want. But I'm well on my way. This was a very real possibility before but today it became even more real. This, seriously, honest to god, might actually be happening. I can't wait to see where this goes next.

[Fixer808]

I'm happy it went so well for you! First step's the hardest.

[Magtig]

Wow! One of my best friend's 14yr old daughters did this video on transgender history for her National History class. It's incredible to think that this generation will be replacing the tired old thoughts and attitudes with knowledge like this. If you like it, leave an encouraging comment; this had to have taken a ton of work.

[sick among the pure]

Is it bad that a major reason I'm applying for jobs at a specific school (even if it's just a janitor, yay Bachelor's degree...) is because their health insurance covers trans health costs, which includes top surgery, and could cover pretty much all of is but a small copay? Because I will gladly clean toilets with my degree paper to get rid of my chest.

[icklekitty]

Well, that post made me come up with about 20 Trent Reznor jokes in 30 seconds. But it sounds like a good idea because the gain of no-breasts is worth the "loss" of a few years looking at toilets. Also it means you can launch into your chosen career as your actual self, fresh slate etc.

[theruiner]

So, two things. First, I dress in women's clothes all the time and it's always pleasant but tonight it just feels so nice. I don't know what it is. It feels right, I guess. It's a nice little sliver of happy in an otherwise confusing and emotionally draining situation.

Second, Monday my therapist is going to do "the evaluation" to determine what her official opinion is on the gender situation (and, I suppose, whether or not she thinks I should ever transition). I am keeping in mind that this is ONLY her opinion and she's not God and if I disagree with her (which I very well might) I can always find another therapist, that even if she says no, you shouldn't transition, that's not the final word on the subject and I can still pursue it with someone else. I know all that. But it's still potentially going to be uncomfortable and frustrating.

The thing is, if I knew for sure one way or the other it would be different. I don't know. I'm still struggling with it so if she comes back with, no, you are not transsexual (as opposed to transgender, which I know I am) and thus shouldn't transition, I can't say for sure that she's wrong. But I am going to be VERY skeptical and will probably go seek another opinion. And I won't let myself be swayed unless I genuinely think she's right. This is my life and my path and no one else is going to tell me who I am.

I know I sound a bit hostile but I'm just...this whole process is very frustrating. I kind of understand a bit more now why so many transsexuals have such a huge problem with "the gatekeepers." If they don't give the ok, you don't transition. Well, not safely, anyway. And you probably won't find a doctor to actually do gender reassignment surgery without their ok. So having my fate in the hands of another person is a bit scary. But, like I said, there are other therapists and I can always go to someone else if I feel this one is wrong.

[Dra508]

I can understand the anxiety of feeling like someone else might have " your fate in their hands", but you're saying you aren't sure so maybe just take the therapist evaluation as her opinion no matter what she says. You've been thinking about this for a long time, you haven't been talking about it with "the pros" very long so maybe it'll be good to have the time to work out the unknowns or unsure parts so you really are sure- either way.

Having said that, I heard a friend's recent experience with a therapist (not this domain- family therapy) and it was clear for many reasons he was not the greatest therapist. One definitely can't just hand over decisions.

[sick among the pure]

Having said that, I heard a friend's recent experience with a therapist (not this domain- family therapy) and it was clear for many reasons he was not the greatest therapist. One definitely can't just hand over decisions.

God yes. I went through 3 therapists for depression when I was younger, one of which was CERTAIN my depression was because of my mom's battle with breast cancer, ignoring the fact that I had symptoms years before she was diagnosed.
You can't let any one professional tell you what to do with your life, just understand what they say and why, take that into consideration, and do what you think is best for you. Take all the time you need.

[Dra508]

http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2014/01...nder-teenager]
My local NPR station is doing a series on a transgender teen.

[theruiner]

I don't know how to feel about this.

[icklekitty]

Transpeople can be vapid camwhores too.

[theruiner]

So, my therapist is pretty convinced that I really am transsexual (my word, not hers; she and I have different definitions of that word, I found out) and that I would be happy transitioning. I am not as convinced. In fact, I've really been having very serious doubts. She thinks that, deep down, I know what I want (and that what I want is to transition) but fear is getting in the way of me seeing that and causing the confusion. I think it's the confusion about my feelings that's causing the fear. I want to believe that she's right, I really would like to believe that I want to- and will- transition, but I have been having such extreme doubts and have been leaning the opposite direction. The fact is this isn't making much sense to me anymore, I'm not feeling it. This has happened before but never for this long. Still, some part of me must want this because, as I told her, I would be disappointed if she told me she thought I wasn't transsexual*.

In fact, the other day, after the weeks of doubt I've been expressing to her and how it doesn't feel right any more and blah, blah, blah, I asked her flat out if she still felt that ultimately she thinks I would be happy transitioning or if she had changed her mind and she said that no, she hadn't changed her mind, and she still thought that's what would make me happy. And you know what? I was relieved to hear that. Really relieved. I would have been very upset if she had said the opposite, in spite of the way I've been feeling. And I even told her, flat out, if she ever told me she thought I shouldn't transition I would find another therapist, because I am not even remotely ready to believe that yet.

So...I don't know. It's very confusing, very stressful and very depressing. And there are times when it does feel right, but they are fleeting and few and far between.

Oh, also, I went to a transgender support group the other day, the first one ever of this particular group (my therapist put it together) and it was horribly uncomfortable. I'm not going back for any more. There's another support group in Phoenix that I've been to a few times that I was a LOT more comfortable at. Maybe I'll attend some of their meetings instead. I am realizing that it would be nice to meet other people in the community and maybe even make some new friends. Because I don't have any transgender friends in real life (though I have some online, thanks to this wonderful little message board!)

*=I know I'm transgender (which is an umbrella term that kind of encompasses anyone who doesn't feel that they are exactly the gender they were assigned at birth/society wants them to be) but the question is whether or not I'm transsexual (whether I feel my body is wrong and want to actually physically take hormones and possibly get gender reassignment surgery).

[Dra508]

^^^ just a comment on the therapy. Seems to be very typical technique trying to make/ get to your own decisions. As depressed as you might get about some of it, don't you think that that is part of the process? I do.

What was wrong with the support group that makes you not want to give it another shot?

[theruiner]

Well, one of the rules of the support group (I found out after I got there) was that if you ever decide to leave the group you have to come back for one last session and tell everyone you're leaving and why. I was not comfortable with that. There's another group I have gone to before (and probably will again) that didn't have any sort of rule like that. You were free to come and go as you please and I was actually specifically told by someone that people sometimes come once or twice and never come again, others come and then leave for periods of time and then come back. There was no pressure to come in and have to explain yourself to everyone. I understand the reasoning behind such a thing but it's not something I'm comfortable with, so I'm thinking I'm just going to go back to that other support group I had gone to years ago instead.

Plus, the other group was WAY cheaper. This support group costs $30 a session and they're only an hour. The other one was a donation of $5 or $10 (can't remember which) and was an hour and a half and (at least when I went) the first support group of the month (there are two every month) has a bonus hour and a half "group therapy session" that anyone could go to on top of the regular hour and a half session. Three hours beats the very strict one hour time limit on this one.

Also, I decided that I would go dressed up (this was the first time I have ever been out in "public" en femme). I hated the way I looked and felt really uncomfortable and depressed about that. Plus just the vibe of the session was really uncomfortable to me and I can't put my finger on why but it just was. The other group I mentioned felt WAY more inviting. Maybe it's because everyone was nervous but it was just a way friendlier atmosphere at the other one and I had some very nice, enjoyable conversations before and after that group. There were a lot more people and it was a way more laid back atmosphere than this one.

So, yeah. Not going back to this one. I've thought about it over the last few days after my therapist asked me to consider it but the answer is definitely no. I will, however, go back to the other one because I remember it being such a good experience. I am NOT going dressed up to that one, though. Not any time soon.

[theruiner]

This was seriously awesome. I cried twice today reading this damn article. The first time was when I read it initially and the second time was while re-reading it. It's just...it's amazing. One of the most powerful things I've ever read in my life. Maybe that's partly because I've been this kid and I know what it's like to feel like you have to hide who you are and I spent my entire childhood trapped in the wrong body and wrong gender and couldn't tell a soul about it, but this hit me hard. And it made my day.

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/ar...ver-it/279333/

[playwithfire]

"Mr. Angel" -- an amazing documentary about trans performer and activist Buck Angel, just hit Netflix streaming. It's a fantastic watch, and features a nice chunk of commentary from muh boss. Buck is a fucking hero.

http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/70...vieid=70273275

[sick among the pure]

"Mr. Angel" -- an amazing documentary about trans performer and activist Buck Angel, just hit Netflix streaming. It's a fantastic watch, and features a nice chunk of commentary from muh boss. Buck is a fucking hero.

http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/70...vieid=70273275

Thanks for the heads up, I'll be adding that right away. I love this man, and everything he does. I had some e-mail correspondence with him at one point, when I wrote a college paper on him (and interviewed him for it). I almost met him, twice, because he often comes to the Philly Trans Health Conference.