The Fucking Thread

[playwithfire]

Hmm! Well, I'll talk to him about it. In the case of people looking together, are couples (as in one profile for two) the norm or is it usually two separate people who happen to identify each other as their significant other?

[Sarah K]

I've seen couples profiles here and there. But you can each create your own profile. Then, when you become friends with one another, it will allow you to say that you're in a relationship, and it will put a link to his profile at the top of yours, and vice versa.

Munches are a good way to meet people. I just started to help with organizing one. Although it is geared towards curvy/fat/bbw chicks... We've only met up once, but are going to have another one within a few weeks, most likely. I can take you with me! There were some skinny people at the first one. Even if that isn't your physical preference, it just is a good way to meet open minded people. It's all networking!

I see you're in the city. When I have more specifics, I can let you know. It's super laid back and chill. I was so paranoid about it being a sausage party. But it was pretty awesome.

I'm not seeking anything out at this moment, and just use it for networking and making friends.

[JessicaSarahS]

I would think okc would be better than fet.

What's the end game? Dating, or just fucking?

I think using something like okc gives us a much better chance of finding someone we fit well with than just hoping we meet somebody.

I've dated many supposedly poly guys on there who have trouble adding others to the mix, so it always remains a one on one thing. Grr. Maybe I just have bad luck.

[playwithfire]

The poly people I have met off of okc were actually poly and don't do shenanigans like that, I mean, also for the time period my relationship was an open one, the freedom went both ways. Sucks that you've had bad luck with that.

Munches are a good way to meet people. I just started to help with organizing one. Although it is geared towards curvy/fat/bbw chicks... We've only met up once, but are going to have another one within a few weeks, most likely. I can take you with me! There were some skinny people at the first one. Even if that isn't your physical preference, it just is a good way to meet open minded people. It's all networking!

Well, that's probably a little soon for either of us to be ready with taking this "irl" -- this is an idea we'll be a approaching slowly. But maybe in the future! Cheers!

[icklekitty]

Maaaayyybe? He's really online dating wary. Like, didn't want to use okcupid. Also while we're not especially heteronormative all the time, and we're both super open minded, we're surprisingly vanilla.

So is Fetlife.

[icklekitty]

Well, that's probably a little soon for either of us to be ready with taking this "irl" -- this is an idea we'll be a approaching slowly. But maybe in the future! Cheers!

I think you misunderstand what a munch is. It's basically like a support group for X interest - the aim isn't to hook up. London has various ones including J much, geek munch, anarchist munch, femdom munch etc.

[playwithfire]

Re: vanilla fetlife. Apparently! Maybe something will come out of it.

We like to do psychological roleplay where we convince ourselves we can eat dessert AND have sex and then can't.



And re: munches, yeah, I think we're just wanting to take this very slowly and starting with internet profiles (something we haven't done yet) suits the super introvert that I am and he can me more than an actual real event that's less than a month away. Definitely not crossing it out for the future, though!

[ophelia_]

Yeah, I would avoid finding someone via fet only... Definitely start going to munches and meet people through that. If you start specifically looking for a person to suit your needs, you're just gonna find people who are on FL for the wrong reasons. Go to a munch, meet people, meet more people through them, etc.

Most people also won't meet up with you unless it's at a munch anyways.

[Sarah K]

Just to clarify that the munches are strictly vanilla shit. Like, last time we just hung out at Junior's. I think we are gonna go to Brooklyn Bowl for the next one that we're planning. I mean, there was one chick who was screaming about bukkake and stuff. But there always has to be one.

But I for sure understand that it will take a while. Hell, I've been on fet for a year and a half, and I just attended my first one. Fear of the unknown and whatnot.

If you do join, don't let the fucking insane messages that you receive deter you. I've met some really awesome, genuine people on there. But there is also a load of creeps, obviously.

[aggroculture]

This question could go here, or the relationship thread, or the alternative sexuality thread.
I would like to explore sex, or at least some kind of connection, with someone other than my wife. I have a fetlife account, I lurk and monitor the local scene.

When we've talked about the topic of cheating in the abstract, her attitude has always been a pretty open and tolerant one: that it shouldn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship. But I'm not sure if she'd take that line if it were us.

We, and she in particular, have had a stressful couple of years (we've had a kid, moved town/job etc), and it's still not over. She's not in a great place atm (psychologically, emotionally). Recently we've started having sex again, after two years of virtually nothing. But it's a slow process to get back to that place. We plan to take a week or so away from the baby this summer to go somewhere just the two of us. I will also be on my own for a month this summer.
So maybe it's totally the wrong time to broach this topic: I think if I told her I would like to sleep with someone else this would be a very bad idea. But I do think about it quite a lot. I guess this is also very normal for new dads.

[Sarah K]

Hmmm. My suggestion would be to wait a bit. You state that she isn't in a great place emotionally at the moment. So, while she would maybe process the topic with understanding normally, it might blow up in your face right now.

My last long term relationship, we maybe had sex 5 times in the last year that we were together, and zero during the last 6 months. I was going fucking insane, so I cannot imagine having a partner, and no sex for two years. Kudos to you for sticking it out for that long. That's admirable!

Hopefully when you're able to take your trip together, things can get worked out. Have you addressed/discussed the lack of sex at all? Or would that be a bad topic?

[aggroculture]

Yeah we both know it's been there and have acknowledged it. Every couple with a baby has their own rhythm of getting back into things, and it could just be that I'm being frustrated/impatient.

[elevenism]

This question could go here, or the relationship thread, or the alternative sexuality thread.
I would like to explore sex, or at least some kind of connection, with someone other than my wife. I have a fetlife account, I lurk and monitor the local scene.

When we've talked about the topic of cheating in the abstract, her attitude has always been a pretty open and tolerant one: that it shouldn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship. But I'm not sure if she'd take that line if it were us.

We, and she in particular, have had a stressful couple of years (we've had a kid, moved town/job etc), and it's still not over. She's not in a great place atm (psychologically, emotionally). Recently we've started having sex again, after two years of virtually nothing. But it's a slow process to get back to that place. We plan to take a week or so away from the baby this summer to go somewhere just the two of us. I will also be on my own for a month this summer.
So maybe it's totally the wrong time to broach this topic: I think if I told her I would like to sleep with someone else this would be a very bad idea. But I do think about it quite a lot. I guess this is also very normal for new dads.

you know, i'm not sure if you are asking for advice, but i have to ask...do you love her?
if you love this girl, don't fuck with it, for real, and for GOD's sake, don't mention it to her.
You've got a kid...NOTHING good ever comes of cheating except ending bad relationships.
If she's in a bad place, man, fucking support her.
In my experience, once i've fucked someone else i feel terrible about it, and once i find out someone has fucked around on me, i feel REALLY terrible.

OK i realize i sound like oprah, so i'm going to shut the fuck up.

[Sarah K]

The way I took it, he isn't so much asking if he should cheat... More curious about opening the marriage up eventually?

[icklekitty]

If he's talking about consensually opening up the marriage, he shouldn't be using the word cheat. They are opposites. Cheaters on Fetlife get outed pretty brutally (and rightly) and slapped into next year. "Secret married fun" is an insult to my lifestyle. DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

(It doesn't sound quite like what aggro intends to do from my perspective so this isn't having a go at him, more the concept)

[Sarah K]

I think that he was just using that as an example to demonstrate how she might not be 100% opposed to non-monogamy, since she doesn't think cheating is an immediate deal breaker.

I agree it's a little cloudy. Just giving the benefit of the doubt.

[aggroculture]

I don't want to cheat, lie, or do anything dishonest that would jeopardize my relationship or family. Maybe if it feels right I will bring up the subject when we are together this summer.
Maybe opening things up is something we'd do together, such as swinging, I don't know. I guess I am just a bit scared of bringing up the topic, because once it's out there it's out there.
She had an open relationship with her ex, and ultimately left him for me: that does worry me a little.

[playwithfire]

I don't want to cheat, lie, or do anything dishonest that would jeopardize my relationship or family. Maybe if it feels right I will bring up the subject when we are together this summer.
Maybe opening things up is something we'd do together, such as swinging, I don't know. I guess I am just a bit scared of bringing up the topic, because once it's out there it's out there.
She had an open relationship with her ex, and ultimately left him for me: that does worry me a little.

But she has a child with you, and you both have a life together. I don't know the situation of her previous relationship, but it seems like you guys have ties.

I think, for me, if I wasn't able to do sexual stuff with a significant other for a really long period of time... I don't think I could fault them for wanting to get it elsewhere. We're sexual beings, and fulfilling that part of ourselves is important to a lot of people.

Firstly, agreed with the waiting. But, I think if you talk to her, and frame it within how much you love her and value your relationship... but that here's something you're having difficulty with... I'd present it to her in a way where you are genuinely seeking her opinion and trying to open up a dialogue. But, that's a scary subject to breach.

[ophelia_]

IMO, I think you should wait until she is mentally in a better place... And then speak to her about it. I guess you have to figure out what you want first, if it is more sex from her or just sex from another person.

Under no circumstances do I think you should cheat, especially when you have a kid together. I understand that it is frustrating when she isn't in the mood and you aren't having any sex, but there's two other people who you're going to hurt should you go ahead with it.
Have a chat to her about swinging and non-monogamy, make sure you explain why you're feeling the way you do and maybe she'll open up to it, especially if she's had relationships like this previously.

[screwdriver]

posts like this contribute to my fear of having a child

[Dra508]

Yeah we both know it's been there and have acknowledged it. Every couple with a baby has their own rhythm of getting back into things, and it could just be that I'm being frustrated/impatient.

You know, I don't buy the whole baby ruins the sex life excuse. Yes, we're all tired and maybe it's a bit less than before the baby, but non-existent sex in a committed relationship is NOT the norm. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise - it's just them making an excuse for being lazy, inhibited or embarrassed by their body. One or all of the above. As for looking for sex elsewhere, ask yourself are you wanting that now because you 1.) aren't attracted to your partner anymore 2.) your partner isn't putting out on a regular basis and you really need it regular like a normal person or 3) you really want to fuck someone else for variety. All asked in the vein of the fucking thread. If you had posted in the relationship thread I'd defer any comment to someone who can talk about poly and all that - I got nothing there - I'm a serial monogamist.

[elevenism]

im sorry i used the word cheating.
i'll put it this way...i was with a girl in my misspent youth and we LOVED to try to start orgies with friends, and we did it pretty fucking often.
And we SAID we were cool with it but at the end of the day we both honestly were a little bit hurt.
And I know you remember, how we could justify it all. And we knew better; in our hearts... we knew better. And we told ourselves it didn't matter....
hahaha sorry couldnt help it! lolz anyway just be careful! like @playwithfire said, that shit is scary to even bring up, playa!

[elevenism]

and i gotta add, @aggroculture , this isnt some skeezer you met at a party, it's your wife. and if she's not down for it, and you mention it, you will hear about it for YEARS.

Now back to fucking. Check this out. We are both 34 and the mrs is telling me that when i hit it from behind (at least i HOPE im hittin it, otherwise she's been faking it for two years, haha) she says her fucking back hurts for like two days. i think she's about to tell me it's gotta be missionary only!

[Sarah K]

There are like 8,637 other positions. Haha.

[playwithfire]

Have her lie down on her stomach instead of staying up on her knees.

[Sarah K]

Or just bent over the side of the bed is better for that, too. Or couch, or whatever.

[playwithfire]

Hell, you can just pile a bunch of pillows under her, also spooning.

[JessicaSarahS]

Do some back stretching after.

[Sarah K]

Or before... lol. Warm ups!

[Dra508]

All of the above.