Originally Posted by
Christo
At then end of 2010 I had managed to get myself in a place that I can only describe as emotional hell - and this was almost entirely due to a strong alcohol habit. The year culminated in a really nasty incident which made me really begin to realise that I may have a problem with alcohol. So, at the beginning of 2011, I gave up drinking entirely. At first I found it incredibly difficult, especially with friends of mine at the time. In order to stop myself from the temptation I would actively remove myself from any situation where alcohol would be present - which obviously was a great deal of things. After 5 months of being a near recluse, I managed to put myself back into situations and control my urges to drink. This period of sobriety was honestly the best time in my life. I felt productive, calm and healthy.
In November, I began seeing someone who was not good for me. In any way. I began to fall back into old habits, as well as new ones. I was drinking more than I had ever drunk in my life, mixed with drugs, which after 10 months of sobriety, meant that these inner 'demons' (for lack of a better word) of mine came back...and with a vengeance. I should also note that I have a mild case of clinical paranoia, which, coupled with alcohol, spirals out of control and causes real deep pits of depression. I would wake up daily and just want to kill myself, but picked up a bottle instead. When this relationship ended, instead of getting better, I actually became worse. I managed to ruin strong friendships of mine (some of which to this day are still broken) and make some of the people closest to me begin to resent me. They were all very supportive: I was party to numerous forms of intervention, but chose instead to continue down my path. At the end of the day, only you can help yourself.
I won't go into too much detail, because the incident is still pretty fresh in my mind, but it took something very serious to really admit to myself that I may be an alcoholic. I started to speak to someone, and whilst I can't say it immediately helped, admitting to myself that I had a problem really helped put things into perspective. I began mending friendships I'd fucked up and tried to reduce my alcohol consumption. I knew I needed to kick alcohol all together but it was really tough for me to go cold turkey. I began to stop lashing out at friends of mine, but the depression was still there, and fuck was it blinding at times. I'm fairly good at hiding these parts of myself from those closest to me, so those who I told about being severely depressed were surprised. I think they thought because I was functioning socially that my problems with alcohol were over. But they were not.
I've been 3 weeks sober now finally, which doesn't sound like a long time, but has been an important reminder that I am capable, and hopefully will not make the same mistakes again by falling off the wagon. I think if anything, I'm more determined to stay sober than I ever was before.
Normally I'd keep these things to myself, but it does feel good to have it out there. And allegro is right, quitting drinking is the easy part, completely changing your life to be sober is another thing.